You're SHOULDING Me!!!

Have you ever TOLD or BEEN TOLD what you SHOULD do?  Yeah, me too...

There is a word we use constantly that sounds helpful, caring, intelligent, even loving, but sometimes it’s none of those things.

The word is: Should.

“You should leave him.” “You should forgive her.” “You should take that job.” “You should sell the house.” “You should call your kids more.” “You should exercise.” “You should be grateful.” “You should get over it.” “You should stop worrying.” “You should be happy.”

And eventually you want to look at somebody and say:

“Would you PLEASE stop shoulding me?”

You SHOULD join Dave for some conversation around:

• WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO “SHOULD” SOMEONE?
• WHY DO WE SHOULD PEOPLE?
• 5 COMMON SITUATIONS WHERE WE SHOULD PEOPLE
• THE 5 GROUPS MOST LIKELY TO GET SHOULDED
• 5 REASONS WE SHOULDN’T SHOULD PEOPLE
• When WE INVITE THE SHOULDING
• SO WHAT DO WE SAY INSTEAD?
• MAYBE WE SHOULD OURSELVES THE MOST

So the next time somebody looks at you and says: “You know what you should do...”

Smile. Listen. Consider it. Maybe they're right. Maybe they're completely full of crap.

But remember: They get an opinion. You get the decision.

And maybe that's the difference between advice and wisdom.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from Tin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Hey, how are we doing up there? I know that was loud. I get you tell me that all the time. Hey, let's do it again. Just kidding. Hope you're doing well. I am top shelf in case you're wondering. So we're going to talk today about something that I think we all do, and it's definitely done to us. People should on us. Yes, they do. And that's an interchangeable word we will be using regularly. And two, I want to talk about the understanding how often we say it, how to remove it from our vernacular, but then also understand why it's done. We tried to get work rid of the word but. That's a controversial one. And I think it's the purple car. How much we say it and imply it and how much it's done to us. The bottom line is we should stop telling people what they should do with a life that we don't have to live. And we'll talk about why we do it. But the should, should have, you should have. Some people are full of should. This is a word that we use constantly, that it's intended usually to sound helpful, caring, intelligent, even loving at times. If you could just understand, it's coming from a place of love. But sometimes it's none of those. Should. Should. You should leave him. You should forgive her. You should take that job. You should quit that job. You should sell that house. You should call your kids more. You should exercise. You should be grateful. That's not too bad. You should just get over it. Wow. Oh, sparks would fly. You should stop worrying. That sounds familiar. You should be happy. That's a wonderful thing to tell someone that's not happy. And eventually you just want to say, would you please stop shoulding me? Stop shooting on me. Because here's the problem a should is often opinion dressed up like some type of obligation. And we should people all the time. Yeah. Wait, I think I just did it. We should stop. Okay, let's go. So what does it mean when you should someone? For just the purposes of today's O talk, shoulding someone means telling another person what they oughta do, how they ought to feel, what they oughta say, what they ought to want or believe or become. The thing is, we do it without fully understanding what it would cost them to do it. A lot of times it's just look at me. Look how smart I am. The thing, the the last part matters. We do that without understanding what it would cost them. Now we may have done something similar. We understood what it cost us. We have no clue what other people are going through, the timing, you know, what's coming next, what they just went, all of this stuff. And even your closest friends, you don't know the total story. So because advice is cheap, especially when somebody else pays the bills or has to pay the bill, that's when the shoulds come out. It's easy to say all those things. You should quit. Yeah, when it's not your mortgage to pay. Or you should divorce him. You should confront him. Well, it's not your marriage. You don't have to live through tomorrow after you've done that. You should forgive somebody. When you weren't the one who got hurt, you should move. Ah, you don't have to pack the damn boxes. Oh, I've had I love you if I help you move. Some people I've helped move more than once. They owe me. They still owe me. They should pay me back. Yeah, I got a lava lamp. Anyway, just think about it. This would be like giving someone a should would be like standing on the shore to someone who is caught up in a riptide and saying a rip current, whatever the proper terms are. You guys hit me up all the time. But they're caught up in a rip current, and you're saying you should swim harder. Well, thanks, Jock Cousteau. Here, you're not the one in the water. You don't know how long I've been out here. I'm not that good of a swimmer. Stop shooting on me. But why does it bother us so much? It bothers me. When I do it, it doesn't bother me as much. And I think about later, I'm thinking, oh, I just should all over them. But there is psychology behind it. Human beings value autonomy. You know what that means? I don't mean to be condescending. That means I talk down to people. We love autonomy. That feeling that we have some control over our own decisions and the things in our lives. That's why it hurts so much. When somebody comes in and shoulds us, uh, wait, this is my life. Self-determination theory identifies autonomy as one of three fundamental psychological needs. We need it. You've got autonomy, and then you've got competence, and then relatability. Those are the three things. And a major analysis involving 486 samples and more than 205,000 participants found strong support for the central role of self-determined motivation. How about all that? I know what you're thinking. David, you should speak English. People generally respond better when they feel they're choosing rather than complying. I want to do it. Don't tell me I should do it. I don't want to just comply. I want it to be my idea. And that's why getting shoulded on hurts so bad. It pisses us off. It pisses us off, which is fun to say. It's kind of hard to say. But there's another psychological con concept called reactance. I think that's the way you say it. Reactance happens when somebody feels their freedom to choose is being threatened. Oh, wow. I was going to do it anyway, but you said I should. Now I don't know. I don't know. And what do humans sometimes do when they feel like somebody's telling us what we have to do? We resist. And that's where the reactance comes in. Sometimes we'll just do the opposite out of spite. I feel guilty. Hello. Hello. There's been a lot of study on this, and researchers studying unsolicited recommendations found that unwanted advice can trigger reactance and even cause people to intentionally reject the recommendation. Purposefully, intentionally reject, even if they know that's probably the way I ought to go. Wow. Another study found that unsolicited advice was viewed as less useful and less likely to be followed when the recipient wasn't receptive to receiving advice in the first place. You ever, you ladies out there, when you had a baby, somebody found out you were pregnant, how much advice did you get? Oh yeah. You get married, oh, how much advice? A new job? Ah, hey, I'm looking for a car. Oh, hey, my grass. I got crabgrass. Oh, my pool. Ah. You get all of this unsolicited advice. Your receptors are gone. Should. Shut. That's our response. So think about it. Sometimes the problem isn't the advice. It's that nobody asks for it. This is why absolutes hurt people so much and you give away power. Shoulds are absolutes. Think about it. I want the word should to be a trigger in your mind. Oh, okay. And just say, I didn't mean to say should. My bad. If I were you. And that's the same thing. It's a should. So why do we do it? We know this. We hate it when it happens to us. And yes, I'm using the word hate. So why do we do it? We're good people. Usually, I believe, I'd like to believe, it's because we think we're helping. Really, we think we're helping. And we love them. Maybe we're worried about them. Yeah, man. Most of the time, I would say it's because we've been through something similar. Sometimes, hey, we like being right. I like you to know how much I know. Shocker, Randy, and Corbin, Kentucky, bite me. The thing is, that one stings a little bit. We like being right. We like saying, I told you. We like to be on record. There's just something satisfying about looking at somebody else's complicated life from a distance and announcing the obvious solution. The problem is their life looks a lot simpler from where you're sitting. They got a lot going on you don't know about. So, what are some of the most common situations where we should people? Of course, relationships. Yeah, the relationships are the shoulding Super Bowl. No matter if it's yours or your friends or whatever, you should leave. You should stay. You should forgive. You should you shouldn't put up with that. You should just start dating again. You should stop dating. You should pick better people. Oh, yeah. And the thing is, the should by proxy. You tell me what I should do, I'm probably going to have the reaction we talked about. What I hear most often is when you tell somebody else what I should do, and then it gets back to me. Please. Everybody suddenly becomes a relationship expert. But relationships, they contain a lot of things. Every relationship contains similar categories but different nuances and timing. By that I mean history, intimacy, finances, children, fear, loyalty, resentment, hope. Information that outsiders simply don't possess. I love new relationships. Now I'm romantic and otherwise, please. Give me a break. I'm a strapping young lad here. However, new friendships, new business associates, new whatever, because you learned that we're all going through the same things, just in different ways at different times, with different befores and afters. And it's fantastic. But everybody's going through it differently. You can observe, you can ask questions, of course. You can express concern. Absolutely. You can be there. Absolutely. But be careful when you're pretending to know exactly what somebody else should do. You don't have the authority. So relationships are huge. How about careers? Woo! You should take that promotion. You should retire. People ask, I'm tired of people asking me when I'm going to retire. Leave me alone. Don't tell me I should retire. You should start your own business. Hey. You should get a real job. I've heard that one a few times. Yeah. You should change companies. We often confuse what we would do, what we would do, with what they should do. Come on, it's not your life. Those are two different statements. Instead of you should take that job, try. If I were looking at the decision, I'd probably weigh the opportunity against what it's going to cost you personally. Remember what Popo told me years ago. He didn't say you should take that job. He said if you can pay your bills and you have your choice between both jobs and they can take care of your family, I'd take the one that gave you the most freedom. Woo! Great advice. It's what he would do. Now we're talking. I'm listening. Yeah, so careers. That's big. Toward the beginning, toward the end, in the middle, when you're building, you're expanding.

unknown 14:07

Woo!

SPEAKER_01 14:08

A lot. And everybody's got an idea of what you should do. I love it when I'm playing golf. I remember this one instance, and I'm not that good. But I was about five strokes ahead of this guy. And I hit one, I hit it, slice into the right, rough, and all of a sudden he was telling me what I should do with my swing. Yeah, you should look at your swing because you're atrocious. But that's what happens. Free advice on what we should do. When people don't have all the information. Let's talk about money. How about that? Oh, people love to spend my money. Not as many people can as used to. Anyway, money. You should buy a house. You should sell your house. Hey. It's a seller's market. You should invest your money. You should save your money. You shouldn't spend money on that. Oh, it's just, I got I'm this vain. I didn't realize this was going to impact me this way. Money's particularly dangerous territory to talk about because everyone has different obligations, fears, goals, definitions of security. You don't know their debt. I remember I used to have somebody in my life that would say, he must make a ton of money if they bought that. Look at that house. He must make a ton of money. No, it's credit, dear. They're in debt up to their keisters. Yeah, or whatever. Maybe not. Maybe they won the lottery and just didn't tell anybody. Don't tell people what they should do with their money. What looks wasteful to you might be freedom for somebody else. And what looks conservative to you might feel suffocating to them. Debt level, comfort level, their retirement goals, whatever they are. I have no retirement goals. I'll never retire. You're going to find me hunched over this desk somewhere at some time with a big smile on my face and probably bacon and a little cheesecake crumbs. I hope that's the way I want to go. But money, it's a big shoulder when you shouldn't. And then family. This is a little, I put this a little differently in relationships because family's tough. Family's tough. You should call your daughter. Sometimes that's true. You should call your mother. You should forgive your father. You should spend more time with your kids. You should reconcile with the sibling. You should. Family advice is dangerous because outsiders usually know about chapter 12 and assume they understand the entire book. And some people love rewriting history so that chapter 12 looks reasonable. Yeah. There could be 40 years behind that decision. People talking about the Middle East now, they shouldn't just do this, or they should just do it. They've been fighting for over 2,000 years. Come on. Please. Thing is, it's always I would ask before I write a prescription as to what someone should do with their family. And then unfortunately, I've experienced this last one a little bit in the last year or so with some deaths in the family around grief or pain or maybe even recovery. You should move on. Or you should be grateful. Or you should just stop thinking about it. You should be over it by now. Oh, please. The things people say. The things people say. I love it when somebody said you should be over it by now, and then they start telling their story from 10 years ago and they're not over theirs. Yeah. You shouldn't be shooting on me. I think that's probably some of the worst kind of shooting when somebody's going through something tough. Yeah, relationship, all of it's tough, but you think about grief. Such finality or pain, heartache. Or they're battling demons with recovery or something like that. You're telling them, you're telling them how they're allowed to hurt. That's that might be the worst. Yeah. So pain doesn't have a calendar. Grief, not punching a time clock. And healing is not something you can get from Amazon today. It doesn't have it doesn't have a finite process for anybody. So that that's when we that's when we do it. But there's some groups that I've noticed that are more likely to get shooted than others. And I find this interesting, and I can see it. I can see it over time. And I can, oh, here we go. Certain people seem to walk around wearing an invisible sign and said, please me, please tell me how to live my life. Mac wrote a song, Run My Life for Me. Somebody run my life for me. It's a great song, by the way. Some people live that way. And you got to be careful if you're a shooter, because maybe they will. And then it's on you. That's tough. It's almost like it's unsolicited advice, but some may respect you to the point to where be careful about the shooting. They want you to run their life. So there are some people more susceptible. Like people going through divorce or breakups, they're they need some help. And you know what? There's always somebody that tells them what they should do.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Everybody's when the two people going through it, it's they need comfort. They don't need necessarily instruction. Also, young adults. I don't know. I think you have a sector of young adults, but in their college or their career or their marriage, young adults, I'm not talking about teenagers necessarily, but even kids or people around the house, your kids around the house, or what no matter what it is, they've got decisions to make. Going to college? No. Maybe. Which college? Oh, home? Away? Their career? Do I do this? Do I do that? Oh, I love him, but do I want him to spend the rest of my life with him? Oh. Or being precious. You should have kids while you're young. Oh my goodness. Yeah. You should buy a house. Why are you renting? You're just throwing your money away. Speaking of money, all the shoulds. The young adults are ripe for either needing advice or let's just say they're they're very close to the should fountain. Because we we we older adults love to show how important we are and how much we know and what we've been through. So young adults seem to pull the shoulds a lot more. Because their lives become a giant checklist that's written by everybody else. All the shoulds. It scares the crap out of them. It should. Oh, I'm in a mood. Also, when people are just struggling from whatever the reason is, and you can tell by the look on their face, it could be financially or professionally or emotionally or personally, whatever it is, we see that vulnerability and immediately we are struggling. We ask for the shoulds. Let me just hear it all and let me pick one. I'd rather have multiple choice than a blank paper where I have to write what I should do. Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes they don't need a plan, they just need somebody to listen. I think that's most of the time. And wouldn't it be better if we listened and tried to understand before we should on people? Yeah. And then a lot of times when people are just making a big change. It could be a job change. It could be moving to another city. Maybe you're starting over. Some people, when they're starting over, hey, you're not starting from scratch. You're starting from experience. Hopefully. Maybe you're getting married. Maybe you're getting divorced. Everyone has an opinion. Whew. That's one reason when I was going through some of my stuff. I didn't let anybody know for three months. Nobody knew about it until I was over it. Ta-da! But still. Those are people that are ripe for shoulding. And I guess people who just do things differently than we would have. And this is a big one. Sometimes we should people because their decisions make us uncomfortable. We aren't trying to improve their life. We're just trying to make their life make sense to us. What a heck of a thing to do to somebody. Those are two different things. If you're trying to help them, listen. I'm getting ahead of myself. But what's the big deal? What's the real reason why we shouldn't shoot on people? There's several, but also think of this why we shouldn't do it to them, and then also apply this to you, how it makes you feel. I think the biggest reason is we don't have all the information. You got the trailer, you got the previews. They're living the full movie, and no two movies are exactly alike. There are conversations you didn't hear, bills you didn't see, fears that you haven't shared, and history you weren't there for. Part of having humility is recognizing there may be something here I don't understand. So seek understanding. That's tough though. Seek understanding, but mind your own business. However, when people reach out to you, that's how you do it. Another reason that we shouldn't shoot on people is it creates a barrier or a resistance. You absolutely should do this. And something inside of people, in me, for example, it's the hell I will. You don't tell me what to do. This is my life. I may not say that, it's up here, and I don't want to be around you anymore. Especially if I really should and I don't, and I realize I should have, and now I can't look you in the eye because I'm afraid you're gonna say, I told you. Sound familiar? That's that psychological reactance we talked about earlier. Pressure can turn good advice into something people will resist just because I feel like it's being pushed on them. Hello. Is this thing on? Here we go. Another reason why we shouldn't shoot on people. It just sounds too much like judgment a lot of times. You should exercise more. What I'm hearing is I'm lazy. I should save more money? I should. No, I feel irresponsible. You should be happier. Oh, clearly something's wrong with me. Intent matters, but reception matters too. You can care for me. And if I am not receiving your transmission in the right way, if I am not fertile to hear or to receive your seeds, reception matters just as much as transmission and intent, maybe more. Okay? Another one. Shooting removes ownership. Think about that. If I tell you what to do and you do it, whose decision was it? But if I help you think clearly enough to make your own decision, now you own it. You get the benefit of making that decision rather than just doing what you're told. Oh, I remember I would go to many times early in my career, I would, and this was a tactic and I loved it. If I had a hard decision, it's either this or this. I would go to the boss. Okay. All right. Here's my choices this or this. You want me to do one of these, or you got a third? And they would tell me what to do. I would go do it, and if it blew up, I went, ha, that's on you. However, when I started to rise in my career, I would look at the options and I would pick one. And when it worked, I would go to the boss and say, okay, here's the deal, here's what I picked, and ta-da! Blue skies and rainbows. However, when I pick the wrong one, I would confess, next time I'll do this. And that removed the should. We both know I should, but I told him what I should do. And that was, it worked well. But if you just tell people what they should do, they don't own it. They're not gonna, they may learn from it, but they don't feel the same way. And remember, autonomy matters just to the peace of mind and the motivation. Great mentors don't create followers. They create better decision makers, which really great mentors create great mentors. And here's one of the main reasons you shouldn't should on people. You might be wrong. You might be wrong. Let's put this one up on the billboard. You may be wrong. Even you're experienced, even though I said it last time and I'm getting crap for it. Just because you're old doesn't mean you're wise. Just because you've been doing a long time doesn't mean you're good at it. Just because you're experienced, yep. You should all over the place. And who's gonna clean it up? Even when you mean even when you've lived through something similar. Because it isn't identical. How many times do I say this? Your divorce isn't their divorce. Your career isn't their career. Your kids aren't their kids. Your bills aren't their bills. Wisdom isn't knowing what everybody else should do, it's knowing how much you don't know. I think I made my point there. But sometimes we invite our own shooting. Oh, sometimes it's my fault. Yeah. Now, this is the uncomfortable part. Sometimes we complain about everybody telling us what to do, and after spending 45 minutes asking them what we should do. And then they tell us and then we complain about it. That's a self-inflicted should. Here's five ways we invite it, just real quickly. What do you think I should do? What do you think I should do? We say that just to get, oh, I want you to talk to me. Let's go. Congratulations. You just opened the shooting department and you're taking applications. If you ask someone directly, don't get mad when they answer. I know you just wanted the drama and you wanted attention. You unflushed a toilet, is what you did. And then a lot of times you ask a bunch of people the same question. At some point, you're not gathering wisdom. You've asked 17 people something and you may get 17 different answers. You are shopping for agreement. You may already have in your mind what you want, but you're shopping for some agreement. You keep asking until somebody gives you the answer you already wanted. You're inviting shoulding. Also, if you repeatedly complain about something without changing anything, you're begging for a should. If you tell your friend about the same horrible situation every Saturday for five months, eventually they're going to say, you should have bloom or you should boom. You may not like it, but you built the runway for them. They're taking off. Oh. Yeah. And I find myself doing that. Well, that's why I'm not a good counselor. We, if you get to the point to where you're asking me what you should do, and I break down and tell you what I think you should do, and then you don't do it, Lord. Also, this is get this social media. Posting your private life for public consumption. If you post, I don't know what to do about my relationship. I think I need a puppy. I wonder what kind of breed I should get. Don't be shocked when Aunt Brenda from Toledo suddenly becomes the expert in your life. Public vulnerability invites public opinion and a good old public shooting. Is it fair? Maybe not. I'm off of it. Is it predictable? Absolutely. It's gonna happen. There's some people, that's all they do. Who can I help today? Boy, they need me. Let me log in. And the last one I'll share is when we ask for a good shooting. Asking for advice when we just want validation. We just need somebody to validate us. This one's huge. Sometimes we're not asking what do you think? We're asking, please tell me I'm right. Then someone gives us an honest answer. We're offended now. You want support? Ask for support. You want advice? Ask for advice. If you want somebody to listen, just say, I don't need you to solve this. I just need to talk this out. I just need to say it. I need to hear my voice say some stuff. That sentence could save a lot of friendships. It really could. Okay, Dave. You said no shooting. You told us how to not say butt, and then you say buttons a ton of times. A butt ton. That's a unit of measurement. Anyway, it's kind of like a butt punch or a butt munch or never mind, let's go back to it. Should. How do we stop saying should? What should we do? So getting rid of should doesn't mean becoming passive. No, it's a trigger word. Sometimes people we love are making terrible decisions. Sometimes somebody absolutely needs to say something. The goal is not silence with this, don't clam up. The goal is to influence without control.

unknown 33:51

Okay?

SPEAKER_01 33:52

So let's talk about a few approaches. There could be more. Please email me if you have additional approaches because this is going to help us all. One thing, and anybody that knows me knows I do this, you ask permission. Instead of you should leave that job. Would you like my thoughts? Would you like my thoughts? Four words can completely change the conversation. They're probably going to say yes because they care. And then but then you have given them something important, and that that is a choice, rather, for you to say and many times, yeah, I would, but let me finish. Or maybe they don't want your thoughts. But either way, you've given them enough dignity and courtesy to ask them. And questions are the key. Another thing I would do is ask questions instead of you should break up with him. Is are you happy? What would make you happy? What changes? What's keeping you from being happy? Those things. Or if nothing changed for the next three years, would you still want this relationship? And let them talk. That's thought-provoking. And you're curious. That's powerful. It's not supplying the conclusion. It's not the microwave. Here, let me put it in here for 30 seconds. Boom, there you go. Solved. You're helping them discover a conclusion or a solution rather than giving them prescription to go get the pills. Yeah. We all have experience, and I think that's where a lot of shooting comes from. And so when we speak from experience, there's a way to do this. Instead of you should do this, it's when I went through something similar, not when I went through the same thing, not when I was in your shoes. When I went through something similar, here's what helped me. Oh, I can talk to people about a lot of different things. I've lived a charmed life and then continue to live a charmed life. However, when someone, when I reach for out for help, and I don't do it as much as I should. I've learned that in the last bit to ask for help. People want to help you, and they can really come up with some good stuff. And the ones that don't shoot on you, they do that. I went through something similar, and here's what really helped me get through it, or realize, or confirm, or whatever. Now you're offering experience instead of issuing marching orders or instructions. There's a big difference between here's what you should do and here's what I learned. It's huge. And there's softeners. Papa was the master at this. If he said anything that seemed the least bit absolute, he would say, I think, or in my opinion, or as far as I'm concerned, or whatever. It comes from a better place. Another one, another great way to stop shooting, or instead of shooting, is options. Throw options out. People like multiple choice better than having to write on a blank page or boom, truefalse. Instead of giving somebody the answer, give them possibilities. Like the way I see it, based on what you've said, you got a few choices here. You could stay, you could leave, you could give it three months, you give it six months, you can have a conversation first. What feels most consistent with what you want? You didn't say anything. You stated the obvious, but then you followed up. What feels right for you right now? Now you're helping them build something. They can almost make a map, and you're not grabbing the steering wheel. That's important. And I then I think the last one that I'll say as far as how do we stop shooting, give some constructive feedback without shooting, is express concern without taking control. Sometimes you just need to say something difficult. That's this is tough. It would be like, I care about you and I'm concerned about what I'm seeing. That's very different from you need to get your crap together, or you're headed down a wrong road. Whew, I've seen stronger people than you fall over less. All those encouraging words. Yeah. I care about you, and I'm concerned about some of the things I'm seeing. One says I care. The other one says, I know better. I'm not in the crap you're in. Whew. You need to get it together, smalls. And occasionally, sometimes we do know better. That's not how that's not helpful. It still doesn't mean we're going to get anywhere by making the other person feel small or embarrassed or shame or any of that. So there's, I think there's a should test, if you will. And before telling somebody what they should do, ask yourself a few questions. And we're talking about you shouldn't now. Nobody likes to be shoulded. Ask yourself a few questions before you should somebody. Did they ask me? Did they really ask me? Do I know the whole story? Am I helping them or trying to control the outcome? Maybe I want this outcome. Might not be what's best for them. Can I say this as a question instead of an instruction? We do this in sales all the time. But maybe most importantly, am I willing to respect their decision if they don't take my advice?

unknown 40:05

Who?

SPEAKER_01 40:06

Bottom line is, can I not make this all about me? So the should test. Did they ask me? Do I know the whole story? Am I trying to help them or control the outcome? Can I say it in a question instead of instruction? And can I take it if they don't take my advice? Because that's a test. Advice without freedom, it's not really advice. It's pressure. It's pressure. And there's times when a should is appropriate. Let's not be ridiculous about this. If somebody says, my kitchen is on fire, what should I do? They're asking for it and should probably do what your heart tells you to. Let's put that fire out. Let's call the fire department. I've lived this and it's you need to make a decision pretty good, pretty quickly. That's what you should do. Get out of the house. That's what you should do. Safety emergencies, things like that's different because I know some people are very literal. Professional responsibilities can be different. Parents establishing boundaries for young children. You got a shoot on them. You don't even should, you just tell them. I don't see that enough. Legal stuff. You should follow the laws because the consequences can be stellar. And sometimes it's just the right thing to do. A lot of times it's I want you to do this. I want you to do this. And this is very tight, close situations. It's not for public broadcast. But even then, explaining why works better than simply demanding compliance. Absolutely. The why is so important. The principle is it's not don't ever tell anybody anything. It's don't confuse your preference with their obligation. It's their life. They make choices. Once you reach adulthood, and they should make choices because you're not always going to be around, and they've got to learn. I think we should ourselves the most when I think about it. Absolutely. I should be further along. I should be making more money. I should have figured this out long before now. I should have known better. I should be married. I shouldn't be married. I shouldn't be married. I should have a better relationship with my kids. Huh. My relationship with my kids couldn't be any better. I take pride in that. I should look younger. I should have more hair. I should weigh less. Huh. I wonder why I'm not happy. I'm so happy. And then all of a sudden your entire life becomes comparisons and a self-inflicted performance review. Maybe some of these thoughts contain some useful information? Yes, possibly. But even to ourselves, replace that I should with do I want to? Do I want to look younger?

unknown 43:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:19

Do I want more hair? In the right places, maybe. Or instead of I should, it's would this improve my life? Would this make things better? I don't know. Or what would happen if I did? What's keeping me from doing that? Those are good questions, rather than I should. See, not you're thinking about good outcomes or possible good outcomes. You're not judging yourself, you're examining yourself, which is good. You're checking yourself for dicks. So let's talk about. Putting down the should. Stop shoulding on people. There are people in your life right now trying to figure something out. Maybe they're struggling. Maybe they're making a decision. A tough decision. Could be starting over. Definitely could be hurting in some way. Everybody's threshold of pain is not the same. Maybe they're doing something that you would never do. Your instinct may be to tell them exactly what they should do. But try something different. Sit beside them. Ask questions. Listen. Share what you've learned with their permission. Tell them what concerns you. Offer another perspective. And then give them the dignity of making their own decision. Because sometimes the greatest gift you can give another human being isn't the answer. It's a safe place to find their own answer. Yeah. And while we're at it, give yourself the same grace. When you're beating yourself up, when you're shooting all over yourself, give yourself that same grace to make your own decisions. You don't have to become somebody who somebody else thinks you should become. It's your decision. You don't have to make every decision based on the one somebody else would make. And you can't do that to somebody else without their permission. So listen. Learn. Consider. Choose. But own the consequences. Adjust when you're wrong. Keep moving. Don't stop moving. Never quit. Because a good life isn't built from thousands of things other people said you should do. It's built from decisions you examined, you understood, and you chose, and eventually learn to own. If you do something somebody else said, that was their decision. So the next time somebody looks at you and says, you know what you should do? Woo! Smile, listen, consider it. Maybe they're right. You know what? Maybe they're right. Maybe they're completely full of should. But remember, they get an opinion. You get the decision. And maybe that's the difference between advice and wisdom in the long run. Advice tells somebody where to go. And wisdom helps them figure out where they want to go and gives them the courage to start walking. If there's one thing you should remember from this little O talk, it's your decision ultimately. It's your responsibility. And don't be shooting on people. Okay. I hope you enjoyed it. I know there's a lot of passion around this topic. You shoulders are probably offended. And you should ease are probably emboldened. I don't know. Let me know what you think. Let me know. You should email me at davidotalks.com or david at otalks. David at Otalks.com. I should learn my email addresses. Or you should go to Otalks.com and just ah live the life you always wanted. But no, hit me up. I'd love to hear what you got to say because I appreciate your support more than and thank you for hanging out. Thank you for hanging on. And most of all, thanks for O Talking with Dave. Giddy up.