WRESTLIN’ With PIGS

Have you ever had a person in your life that seemed to get away with everything...no apparent Karma at all?  Yeah, me too...

There’s an old saying: “Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”

The frustrating part is that sometimes the pig is your coworker, a family member, or a loudmouth online. It might be the manipulator at work, the control freak at home, or the professional victim who leaves emotional mud tracks everywhere they go.

Join Dave for some MUDDY talk about:

• Why This Bothers Us So Much
• Five Reasons People Bully
• Five Reasons It Bothers Us So Much
• History Is Full of Strong Personalities and Bullies
• Five Reasons We Don’t Need To Be Judge, Jury, and Executioner
• Five Reasons We Want To Be
• Five Ways To Be Patient Without Becoming Passive
• Five Positive Results of Exercised Restraint

Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is NOT swing back.

Not because they deserve mercy. Not because they were right. Not because accountability doesn’t matter, but because your life is too valuable to become permanently attached to temporary idiots.

Never wrestle with pigs sooo long that you forget you were trying to stay clean.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his fortress in Sin City, put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave. Hey, how are we doing out there? I hope you're great. I am top shelf in climbing the walls. Yes, I am. I'm gonna take a little sip right from the start. Very unprofessional, but then again, I've never been accused of being utterly professional. So let's talk about it. Sometimes I like to be petty and I get caught up in stuff. I do. Ugh I want justice. I want somebody to get their just desserts, and I'm not talking about cheesecake. People just float through life, treating people like crap or getting away with things. And sometimes I want to drive the karma bus. Are you with me? You know what I'm talking about? There's an old saying never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pigs kind of like it. It's a lot of fun, but the pigs like it. The frustrating part is sometimes that pig is your co-worker. That pig can be a cousin, a sister, family somewhere, can be your neighbor, it could be somebody who always shows up in public. Homework and play. Yeah. Sometimes it's just that loudmouth online or a manipulator somewhere or the control freak. Could be at home, could be in the grocery store. A lot of times the professional victim who leaves people emotionally messed up with mud tracks all over them, you can follow them because they leave mud everywhere because they are pigs. And if we're honest, most of us don't want peace. We want justice. No justice, no peace. I'm gonna start a rally. Here we go. We could march somewhere. The thing is, we want justice. We want accountability, we want consequences. I paid my dues. Why don't they ever pay their dues? A lot of times, too, it's just they think they're fooling me. They're not fooling anybody, and I want them to know it. I got a few things to say about you that you don't know. We want to see that bully finally get introduced to the wall they've been pushing everyone else into for years. Yeah, that's the dangerous part because somewhere between protecting ourselves and proving a point, we can become consumed with being the karma police. And the truth is that job opening has never been posted for us. Yeah. No, you don't want that because karma, karma can make a U-turn real quick, and we're not qualified. But I want to talk about it more. Why does it bother us so much? Why does it? These people getting seemingly getting away with everything. They're living the life of Riley and we're struggling and it's driving us crazy. I think I think it's because we're wired for fairness. Everything even out over time. We're wired that way. Good wins eventually, but hey, how about now? And studies in behavioral psychology repeatedly show that people will willingly sacrifice their own gain if they believe someone else is getting away with something. Research calls that inequity aversion. Inequity aversion. What that means is we can tolerate pain easier than unfairness. Think about that for a minute. I'd rather go through some pain and you get what you deserve. Pain is better than unfairness. And I think the reason is most pain is physical pain. It can be emotional pain, but unfairness will eat you alive from the inside out. That's why watching a bully succeed is so irritating. It feels like, hey, the scoreboard's broken here. Ref, blow the whistle. What's going on? I can think of four, maybe five people in my life that are this way. I see them all the time, but that have affected me in that way. Yeah, I can think of one when I was a kid, one in college, probably three in my work life, and then one in the last I'll say year or two, which is not many. But I've learned to deal with them to not let them impact me. And we'll talk about that today. But the thing is, certain times, certain people, we give them the keys to our kingdom. It's it's infuriating. Maybe the manipulator gets promoted, the brown noser gets promoted, the liar gets sympathy rather than called out on a lie. Or maybe the loudest person in the room gets all the attention and all the credit. The narcissist keeps collecting victims like baseball cards. And I don't use the N-word freely. And it's it's out there. Most people calling people narcissists are narcissists. Just uh, for what it's worth. But meanwhile, decent people, decent, God-fearing, hardworking people, just sit there wondering, how in the world is this working? Why? Because we assume consequences should be there, but also they should be immediate. Chop chop. What's taking so long? Did you see that? I saw it. Where's the consequences? Yeah, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. Life rarely works like a microwave, it works more like a crock pot. It stews over time because it's it needs to, honestly. Slow heat, long process, yeah. Yeah. But here's the hard reality, and I I think you can admit it. You do not fully know the load people are carrying physically, mentally, emotionally. That cruel co-work co-worker may be absolutely miserable at home. That arrogant, loudmouth may secretly hate himself is so insecure. That bully may be trapped inside the consequences that you can't even see. And that's not, that does not excuse their behavior, not for a second. But it does remind us that visible success or visible peace or winning, that's not always the way it looks on the inside. And we'll talk about it. Some people smile publicly, well, privately, man, they're dying inside. And it's um, I don't know. I don't say that's always the case, but it could be. And so for that reason, I think we need a little more understanding before we crank up the karma bus or put our two cents worth in. And you be, you don't know. I know these people. I don't want to talk about why. I want them to pay. All right, give me a minute. Give me a minute. Hold on there. Hold on there for a second. I'm right there with you though. Let's go. Okay, so why do people bully? And two, this is not necessarily bullying, but it is. Getting their way, getting away with stuff, manipulating. That's a type of bullying. So a few reasons why they do it. Weakness disguised as strength. So true. So true. Bullies often confuse intimidation with power. If I can force something, I own it. If I can force my will, if I can force my ideas, if I can force the conversation, I win. That's power. Because true confidence, that really doesn't need witnesses. And most bullies need an audience. They do. Also, a lot of the time they're just in pain. You know how misery loves company? Pain looks for company as well. Hurt people will leak hurt on other people. Splash it up on you. That's like the mud we talk about with rustling pigs. Misery hates solitude. Pain looks for company. That's why they bully. Even if I hurt you like I'm hurting, at least we're both hurting. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. And then there's some people who have a control addiction. I see this a lot in families where you have someone who has to have their way. And when they get their way over time, it grows momentum. They panic when they can't dominate a situation or conversations or emotions. They panic and act out so that no one will buck them. Does this sound familiar to anybody? Yeah, they need that control or perceived control. So just go along with it. It's better. It's not worth the fight. Yeah. Ugly. And then a lot of times it's learned behavior. People raised around manipulation, criticism, chaos, aggression, they think that's normal and they'll parrot it. You can see a parent who does this. I had two sisters. But usually you see one of the kids parrot that, and they start to do that in their life. A lot of times it's with their family, though. That might not be a personality trait outside of the four walls of their house. But many times it does, and they try to manipulate and overcompensate for other areas in their life. So sometimes it's a learned behavior. And then many times it's reward without resistance. Bullies do it because it works. I pitch a fit to get my way, chances are I'll get my way. Go to any grocery store or Walmart and you'll see this on full display with kids manipulating parents. Unchallenged bad behavior grows like a weed. Grows like a weed. So you gotta pull that weed. Okay, so that's why they do it, Dave. Great, we kind of knew that. You're welcome. But why does it bother us so much? I get, I it does. It still does. People should pay. And I think one reason it bothers us so much is it violates our sense of justice. I was taught do the right thing. Do the right thing. Okay, they didn't, and they're getting away with it. So it's it violates our sense of justice. We instinctively want fairness, like we said before. Even if it cost us a little bit of pain for them to get theirs. That's kind of silly, isn't it? But still, ugh, it gets me. And also, we will empathize with victims. Watching someone weaker get targeted, it just hits something primal in a decent person. Maybe that family member is abusing a sibling, not physically, but mentally or emotionally. It could be a bully at work who is picking on a new guy or an old person. I get pissed off because we empathize with victims. Yeah, we gotta watch our role in all of this. Also, sometimes if they'll do it to them, they're gonna try to do it to me. We fear becoming the next target. Bullies create some degree of uncertainty in a situation. And physical bullies that threaten everybody, only way to Mr. Boston, his words ring true. The way you treat a bully is you bully them back. You call their bluff, you push them in a corner. Yeah, so sometimes we do that because we don't want to be the next target. And then many times, though, it feels a little more personal, especially with families. I don't know especially with families, but it does with families because that's that's supposed to be a sanctity, a sacred place. But still, anywhere, it's a little more personal. Even if it's not, when you see that, it hits it hurts your heart. Even if you may not even know the people that well. So it's really may not be personal, but it feels personal because we can identify with one of those two. And then I think one of the last parts of it is why it bothers us so much. We want closure. We want this to be over, done. We desperately want the movie ending where the villain gets punched in the face. Okay, that's a little strong. Gets hit in the face with the pie. How about that? Are you do-gooders? Unfortunately, life ski that scene a lot of times. You're in the middle, you're not at the end of that movie. You're in the middle. You're just getting started. It's not your movie sometimes. So history is full of strong personalities and bullies. Some were stopped by stopped by force or with force. Some were stopped just by exposing what's going on. Some were just plain rejected because of it. And then some just by time, over time, the karma bus hit them. Or everyone else just stopped playing. French Revolution showed what happens when power ignores suffering too long. That was clear. Gandhi rebutted oppression through restraint and persistence instead of vengeance. Vengeance feels better though, doesn't it? Dun it? That's a good other word. Martin Luther King faced cruelty with disciplined resistance, understanding that becoming consumed by hatred would poison the mission itself. Martin Luther King's birthday. That's a sacred event. But that's what he did in a way that no one had done before. And also, history shows something else. Unchecked aggression eventually collapses under its own weight. Almost like radical thoughts. The most radical side of any argument, it becomes more radical and more radical. It ends up eating the cause of that side. Maybe not immediately, maybe not publicly, but eventually count on it. Because arrogance burns energy a lot faster than wisdom because it has to be fed. It has to be fed. So this is nothing new. It's going to continue to go. Yeah. The thing we have to do is control how it impacts us. We can't be judge, jury, and executioner. No. We don't, let's just say this. We don't need to be for our own sake. Yeah. For several reasons. We don't know the entire story. We only see edited scenes from people's lives. We may think we know. It could be a family member. Unless you are a sibling still living as a kid under the same roof, you don't know. I can tell you, I have two older sisters, and our three households are vastly different. I don't know to what degree I know some of the stuff, but I can imagine how different they are. They're not near as fun as mine. However, we don't know the whole story. We don't know what's going on. We don't know what happened right before or right after any particular event in time. So that's why, hold off on the put your gavel down for a minute. Also, revenge. It's a horrible thing. And it changes you when you want revenge. Bitterness that is a very expensive fuel, and bitterness feeds revenge. It's difficult. It's all consuming. It can be all you think about, and you're wanting something bad to happen, even if they deserve it. Let's just say they deserve it. Revenge, it changes you as a person. Then constant conflict will drain your purpose. You can't build a peaceful life with emotionally camping on a battlefield somewhere. You can't not visit loved ones because a particular loved one might be there and act out. That's not fair to the people who are good to you. You can't not go to a function that you need to be at for many different reasons. And people need you there. But going in and raising all hell on that person or not going because they're going to be there. You're just living and camping on an emotional battlefield. So that constant conflict will drain your purpose. Then nature already keeps score. You gotta, this is a comfort to me. Actions leave fingerprints over time. Just like a good crime drama, which I know all you ladies love. Actions leave fingerprints. DNA. It's traceable. Serial killers may get away with something for years and years, but finally something breaks. That's one of the reasons I used to love watch colt case shows. They thought they got away with it. It's almost another lifetime away. Nope. Actions leave fingerprints over time. That is a word of encouragement to you. And then finally, peace is more valuable than victory. This is more maturity will lead to this. You know, that whole thing, I'd rather be in pain than see unfairness in my mind. Okay, that's a little immature, although it's normal, but that peace is more valuable than victory over time. Not every fight deserves your nervous system, deserves your investment emotionally in that. Because many times, if the truth be known, you win, you verbally annihilate that person. It doesn't feel as good as you thought. And you have left fingerprints over time. Yeah. A lot of it is we just want immediate justice. I don't want to come, I don't want to blow this up, Dave. I just want justice. Yeah, I want to protect people. I'm a good person. I want to protect people. Or I know validation for my pain. Hey, if they get away with it or it's perceived they get away with it, is my pain not worthy of acknowledgement? And so often we mistaken retaliation for strength. No, you're just doing what they did. You're just fighting back. You're, as my mom would say, you're just getting on their level. And then a lot of times we just want this story to end properly, like the end of the movie. Problem is you want a two-hour movie and it's a three-night miniseries. You're gonna have to hold on a little bit. Life is not a two-hour movie. Sometimes chapters stay unresolved for years. That's not a word of encouragement. It will be resolved. So I am well known and self-proclaimed impatient. Oh, I'm so impatient. I think it's getting better, and then something happens. Why? So let's talk about five ways to be patient without becoming passive. Because if you're passive, you're almost condoning it. If you're present and it happens and you don't do something or say something or acknowledge it or address it in some way, that's almost okay. I'm condoning it. This is so true in families where they let bullies just rule things.

unknown 21:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

And over time, okay, we've said okay for so long, it must be okay. How many times in companies have you seen that? I was a part. Of a great company who had a great culture, open door policy. We would have focus groups, and people had a voice. They could say any problems they saw or ideas they had. It was fantastic. And over time, that went away. Not overnight, a little bit at a time. If you don't guard it, it'll go away. To the point, it was so toxic. It was top-down management. We don't care what you say. That didn't happen overnight. However, it was allowed. It was allowed. So what do we do to be patient but not passive? And this, I think this is very important and the key to dealing with these people in these situations. First thing is you have to set boundaries. There's a shocker. David, you say that for everything. It's because it's true. You're setting boundaries. What do boundaries do? It keeps some things out and keep some things in. But what you're doing here is you're creating distance, not weakness. Here's the way it's going to be. Yeah, here's my problem with this. You don't have to yell your problem, but here's my problem with this, and now that you know that, I'm going to distance myself from it. And I'll determine how I'm going to do that. But here's the problem. And part of that is how you do it. Speaking the truth calmly is the key. Sometimes you can't talk to somebody. So you have to set the stage for a dialogue. Or have to, I don't know, maybe it's on the phone, maybe it's an email, maybe it's a text, maybe it's some other way, but do it calmly. A great rule of there, there's several rules of thumb in certain negotiating situations. You present something and then you be quiet. And then the first one to speak loses. In this situation, the first person that gets loud loses. Volume does not equal authority. And many times these people do that. They will get loud or they will get emotional or they will get demonstrative. Make sure you don't. Speak it very clear, very plain, and very calmly. Boundaries, plain spoken truth. And then I think it's important to document the patterns. Especially at work, or if there's a legal thing going on, or if HR is involved, or toxic environments. Make it known. I can't remember all the particulars a lot of times. Hey, there's nothing wrong with taking notes. Nothing wrong with marking down with some bullet points. Here's what happened. Here's the behavior that has occurred in the past that I'm not okay with anymore. You can't say that, and then when somebody calls you on it, you just say you were joking. No, you know what? That's not funny. Tell me what's funny about that. You've always laughed before. Yeah, I don't think it's funny anymore. I don't know why I thought it was funny before. So I'm just going to deal with the here and now. Document the patterns of behavior that you're not going to tolerate or you're not going to be around. Then refuse to perform for the drama. Bullies feed on emotional reaction. These turds in your punch bowl, they want to get a rise out of you. They want you to react, not respond. They want you to raise your voice. They want you to bring up something that happened when you were six years old. They want all of that so then they can, oh, you don't understand what I've been through. You don't understand my situation. You always do this.

unknown 25:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

They love it. But don't perform for the drama. And then lastly, we could go on with more. Lastly, stay focused on your path, on where you are. Nothing irritates toxic people more than someone that's living and progressing peacefully. Don't show them, let them see. Don't perform. Stay calm. Understand the patterns and set your boundaries. Because it's gonna give so much more when you show this exercised restraint. They love it. They love the hubbub. They love chaos. They love all of that because then their actions are hidden in all of that. It's a casserole of what? WTF. So this more exercised restraint, it helps, it promotes clearer thinking. The emotional clouds are gone. It's clearer thinking because you're very, you've you have set the boundaries, you've documented the patterns, you've spoken very calmly and clearly. You're not going to perform for the drama, and you're focused on your path of progressing peacefully. You're thinking clearly because you've exercised restraint. Also, you've preserved your reputation. People remember who lost control. People remember who was calm. I can think of many negotiations where it got out of control and someone was the voice of reason. Didn't really care if everything came together, but they were the voice of reason. And the crazy people in the room were labeled the crazy people in the room. They left the foot, the fingerprints. So preserve your reputation. And it's going to give you a lot of emotional freedom. You stop carrying people who never deserved to live rent-free in your head. No. The more you think about it and ruminate on what I want to say, or I wish I could just tell her this, or I wish this would happen to her. And most of my angst toxic turds in my punch bowl, all but one are men. Yeah. Don't let them live here. Nope. So when you think clearly and you preserve your reputation, you don't let them up here. That adds on, and you've got emotional freedom. And you know how I love freedom. They're not getting to you anymore. They don't affect you anymore. I'm too busy with my own path and what I got going on, and it's so much good. And all of that will lead to better decision making. You're not all tied up in knots hoping something bad happens or justice. Calm people are stronger people. They make smarter moves. They make stronger moves. And people will follow you and they want to associate with you, which is going to lead to long term peace. That's what you want. If you can't have peace if someone else is not getting their just desserts, in your opinion, you got to deal with that. You got to deal with that because that's a flaw in you. And you do you stay controlled, you stay clear, you stay calm. You're going to have peace and it's going to last longer. And your circle is going to be tighter. And it's going to people be people who can depend on you. And it will teach other people how to deal with this. Because they're there. They're there. I want you to think of two or three people that are this way in your past. Then think, all right, how did I deal with that? Could I have done better? Eh, I got pretty slippery there. Maybe you have been this person in the past. Then think about who is in your life right now, homework or play, that's toxic. They're a bully. They have to have their way. And the drama or the tears or the yelling or the abuse. Who are those people? Think about these, your approach. You don't have to fix everybody. You don't drive the karma bus, but you do have a responsibility to control your reaction. And I think this is some sound advice. The advice is a little strong, some steps. It's worked for me in the past, and I plan to kick it up a notch with a couple of people in the future. Because I have it. I have it with people very close to me. Sometimes you just have to deselect. Yeah. Sometimes the best way to win is not to play. The thing is, and I believe this with all my heart, sometimes the strongest thing you can do is not swing back. Even if they've landed the blow, sometimes the strongest thing you can do is not swing back. Not because they deserve your mercy, no. Not because they were right? Heck no. And not because accountability doesn't matter. It absolutely matters. But because your life is too valuable to become permanently attached to temporary idiots. And yeah, maybe they've been doing this for a long time. Okay, all right. That's their life. You don't have to be in it. And if you have to be in it temporarily or for short periods of time, all right. Don't swing back. Learn to deal with it. Set your boundaries, be clear, and live your life. Don't let them affect you. You can defend yourself, protect others, you can do all of that. Speak the truth. Hold those boundaries. But you don't. You can do all of that without being consumed by revenge. It will eat you alive. And then eventually you're going to realize some people are already living inside the consequences that they created. And your greatest victory may simply be refusing to join them there. They make choices too. If you have a victim and a bully that you're observing many times, the bullied person chooses to live in that chaos. That's the truth. There's nothing you can do about it. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Yeah. Never wrestle with a pig so long that you forget you were trying to stay clean. Be clean. And do it the right way. You'll feel better. They'll get theirs. Don't worry about it. Don't keep score. Then in the future, maybe you can pick a couple of actions that will eventually show mercy. All right. Hopefully this helps. It's a real world situation. Homework and play. There are people out there. There may be some tomorrow. It can be a quick thing. It may not be a long-term thing, but it's why do they get away with this? Yeah, don't let that eat you up. Let me know what you think. David at Otalks.com or David Otalks.com, or just go to the website. Hit me up. Let me know what's going on. Yep, it's not, they're always going to be there. Don't be one, but know how to deal with one. All right. Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for hanging on. And thanks for O Talking with Dave. Giddy up. All right.