LOVE or HATE - You DECIDE...

Have you ever known someone who was either full of LOVE or full of HATE?  Yeah, me too...

They are both pretty tough to take at time...

There’s a hard truth about human nature that most people never realize: We usually find what we’re looking for...

If you want to love someone, you focus on what’s beautiful and quietly excuse what isn’t. If you want to hate someone, you focus on what’s broken and ignore everything redeemable.

That’s why two people can experience the same marriage, the same boss, the same church, the same friendship, the same country, or the same situation and walk away with completely different stories.

Join Dave for some LOVELY talk about:

• The Power of Focus
• 5 Reasons We Drift Toward Love or Hate
• Misery Loves Company
• The Danger of Long-Term Misery
• 5 Reasons Gratitude Defeats Misery
• 5 Ways to Beat the Temptation to Hate
• 5 Ways to Avoid Love With Blinders
• 5 Ways to Find Balance and Peace

 Life gets lighter when you stop forcing everything into extremes.

Not everything is wonderful. Not everything is terrible. Not everybody deserves worship. Not everybody deserves hatred.

Most of life is somewhere in the middle.

The war may have shaped you, but it does not have to define you.

At some point, you have to put the armor down, lift your head, and walk toward peace. The quality of your life will always be connected to the quality of your focus.

Lover or hater?  You decide...

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his fortress in Sin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hey, are we doing up there? I hope you're top shelf. I know I am. But I'm ready to talk today about some pretty strong words. Strong words. And they're overused. They are. I'm talking about love or hate. People love to hate stuff. Oxymoron? I don't think so. The thing is, it's something that we can all decide. The hard truth about love and hate, and I don't like saying hate. I'm going to say it a lot, but I don't like it. If I ever say I hate something other than having to eat raw celery, there aren't many things I hate. No, not many at all. However, the hard truth about human nature is that most people they don't realize that we usually find what we're looking for. We do. If you want to love someone, you're going to focus on what's beautiful about them. Yeah, and you'll excuse the other stuff or just ignore it altogether. And if you want to hate somebody, you're going to focus on what's broken and what's horrible and ignore maybe some things that are redeeming factors. That's why two people can experience the same marriage, the same boss, the same church, same friendship, live in the same country, even be in the same situation, and walk away with completely different stories. Think about it. One can say, Oh, that changed my life, and the other is thinking, this ruined my life. Same battlefield, different focus. And once the mind chooses a direction, it becomes very good at collecting evidence to support their case. It's focus. I've talked about focus a lot, and it's to me, it's one of the keys to living a more balanced, joy-filled, content, and grateful life. Just think about it. Think about it. When you first fall in love, oh, I'm all twitter pated. But you become a professional excuse maker, too. They do something or say something, oh, they didn't mean it. They've just been hurt. They've had a rough time. You don't understand them like I do. This sound familiar? Male and female, we do it. Meanwhile, everybody around you sees the warning signs. They're like flares at night. But love often comes with selective vision. Now I pick that. I pick love because it feels good. It does. And you want it. Everybody wants to be in love. Everybody wants to love somebody. Everybody wants to love a dog or love a job or love a neighborhood, love the weather, whatever that is. But psychologists have long studied how emotion and emotional attachment, it will suppress negative evaluation. Bottom line is when we deeply want a connection, our brains help protect the fantasy. So you're saying, Dave, you tell us all the time the mind is meant to protect and alarm and alert. I'm not talking about the mind here. I'm talking about the emotions. And your emotions are telling your brain what to ignore. Your brain is going red alert, but you're making excuses because of the emotions and how badly you want to be in love. That's why somebody can be controlling and irresponsible and selfish and jealous and just emotionally exhausting. But the person in love says, Oh, but they have such a good heart. You know somebody right now that I'm talking about, I'm describing somebody in your life, and you can't figure out what she sees in him. What does he see in her? She treats him like garbage. They're in that. That's not stupidity. That's not a lot of other words you could use. It's focus. It's focus. They're focusing on the good and ignoring the bad or discounting the bad. Yeah, the thing is, hatred works exactly the same way. When somebody becomes the villain in your mind, everything becomes proof. See? See? Told you. If they succeed at something, they're just being manipulative. I don't know, at work, at home, at play, they cheated in some way. Or they talked them into it. They used words. They're powerful with words. If they fail, they deserved it. They're a bad person. If they speak anything they say, they oh they're so arrogant. Did you hear that? If they say quiet, oh, they're thinking, they're thinking up something. They're planning something. They're calculating here. There's no win because you've decided I'm going to hate this person. Both are emotional filters. It's just like the drop-down box. Click, I'm going to do this. I want to see bad, ugly, mean, narcissist, blah, blah, blah. Okay. I love them. Oh, kind, loving, caring, loves puppies, loves his mama. And it's true everywhere. Home, work, or play. You know, we're talking about a person, a situation, a job, anything that sparks strong emotion. But home, focus determines the atmosphere as well. If one spouse notices effort, another one may notice flaws. And if you ask the two, throw it up there, they're both going to see they notice the effort. And they're going to think the other one notice their flaws, no matter what the situation. One may see sacrifice and the other sees inconvenience. Oh, don't get me started. Yeah. Poor guy's just laying on the couch. He doesn't realize he's been working 14-hour days all week long. Somebody took the dogs for a walk and took the garbage to the road and they've worked their fingers to the bone. It all depends on how we're painting this picture. One may focus on loyalty, and the other one is focusing on irritation. Everything gets on their nerves. It could be the way they sip coffee or the way they eat an apple. And over time, whatever, this is key, whatever gets fed grows. A marriage can slowly become a gratitude journal or a criminal investigation. Think about a rival at work. Okay? Think about a friend maybe is hired. One of your friends is hired. Two different situations. One will be able to do no wrong, one will be able to do no right. And you try to develop consensus for your side. It happens at work all the time. Two people can work for the exact same company and live in two completely different emotional realities. One says, This place gave me an opportunity. They believed in me. And the other one said, This place exploits people. Now, okay, all right, it can shift over time. I've been part of a company that was great when I joined it, had a great culture. They got bigger and bigger, and over time I don't even recognize it anymore. And I don't work there anymore. But let's be honest, every workplace has its problems. That's why people go to job after job and it ends up being the same thing every time. Hey, buddy, maybe it's you. But some people slowly build an identity around resentment. And these people are bitter. And it's tough because if that's their identity, that's what they're focused on. The things they go to lunch and they rehearse it. They run it over in their mind on the drive home. And before long, they're carrying the problems at work into the weekends, into family time, into time with the guys or the girls, the playtime. It even leaks into their social media. Eventually, they stop working at the company and start emotionally living against it. It's exhausting. I'm talking about a company now. It can also be true of a person or of a relationship. It's tough because it doesn't happen overnight. It slowly eats into you. It's in your thinking. Remember, you've got to give your mind something to think about, or it's going to take over with some negative. And then at play, recreation becomes poisoned when misery takes over. People can run a vacation looking for problems. I look at the there's several online things when you're checking out where you want to go on vacation and you look at the recommendations or the people who have been there and they give suggestions or here's what's good or here's what's bad. The things people complain about tells me a lot about them because if you're looking for something to complain about, you're going to find it. You're going to find it. It blows my mind. I'm a simple guy from the South, man. You give me running water, some bacon, and a nice quiet place to relax every now and then, I'm probably not going to complain about you. Some people, they want resentment. They want negative emotions. You can destroy a hobby by comparing. It's from the equipment to the surroundings to the people to nitpick. I grew up playing tennis on an asphalt. My first basketball goal was I hung it in a tree and it was glorious because I was getting to play. But this negative comparison can turn a friendship into a contest. Who's funnier? Who gets the last word? Who's laughing? It can get jealous. If you're looking toward the negative, and some people can stand in paradise and they'll complain about the humidity. Others can sit in traffic and laugh. Laugh about it. It's just it's part of who we are. And that same person, they may swap roles in a different situation. The external world matters far less than that internal lens they're looking through. So let's take a second and think about it. Think about a few areas in your life where you're a lover. Then think about where you're a hater. Is there any patterns there? They're extremes. I would like to think most of my life is somewhere in between. Yeah, I like that. That's annoying about this. If I could change anything, it would be this. If I could blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But we like extremes. And why is that? Why is it we like the extremes of love or hate? Part of it is because extremes will simplify things. It simplifies reality. Love is idealistic and hate is it demonizes. Any movie, you have the hero and you have the villain. Love is the hero. Hate is the villain. So it makes it easier. Good guy, bad guy. White hat, black hat. Also, it can it confirms bias. We search for evidence supporting what we already feel. I'm not saying the truth. It's what we feel and we'll look for it. That's why in arguments with couples, they can do ten things right, and that one thing they say, or they pause, or they have a look, all the good goes out the window. Because we want to believe or demonize. Also, our emotions play a big role in this. We get at that emotional momentum, which means we really want to love them. We really want to love them. We really want to hate them. We really want to hate them. And I'm so childish a lot of times. I don't watch a lot of pro sports with a lot of interest unless I really don't like somebody. Or I really like somebody. Fantasy football almost killed me because I didn't care about this game, but I needed that guy to score a point, or I needed that guy to break his leg. So I fantasy football is a microcosm of love-hate. I had to stop playing. I had to stop playing because that emotional momentum gets going because you want certain things, good or bad, and it feels good to love or hate. And it becomes an identity attachment. People will tie emotions to an ego and personal identity. And it's not always good or flattering. You know those people who are just an ass. And they know it and they like it. And I don't know. You got the girls who like the bad boys. You got all certain things attach an identity to it, and it works for them. And it's either love or hate. It's easy. Boom, it's clear. And then there's also out there the reason we love the extreme so much is there's a fear of uncertainty. Nuance requires a little more work, a little more maturity. Yeah, he's a good guy, but I gotta tell you, he's here's some improvables. Or man, that guy is a piece of garbage. However, I can see some potential in him if we could just do this. Yeah. Misery, you've heard the saying, misery loves company. That's existed for centuries. I don't even, I should have looked up where it came from. But miserable people, it loves company, but miserable people love to recruit for their side. Think about it. Think about it. If someone's miserable, they want company, and if they can't find it, they'll start recruiting. Because agreement feels like a valid validation. If I can get you to be anti about something I'm anti about, I must be, I must have some real validation there. I feel better about me. Let's start a Ponzi scheme and get a bunch of people. It's easy to recruit for misery. And others join in. Hey, give me some bitterness. There's a it feels justified. Yeah. They did. I may even be waning a little bit in my bitterness, but when people start jumping on the bandwagon, you know what? I'm right. They are a piece of garbage. That's why negativity spreads so easily. Whether it's a family or a workplace or a social group, you think about it, even entire nations, once someone gets on half of the country's bad side, it doesn't matter. They could develop the cure for cancer and nobody would care. I think I've heard that before. And research consistently shows that negative emotions spread faster socially than positive ones because the human brain, as we've said, is wired for threat detection. Ah, you got bad news? It's the old gossip thing. You're going to tell something good three times, you'll tell something bad ten times. And that's that's the way it is. That's human nature, that's social interaction. But in survival terms, paying attention to danger keeps you alive. The brain is wired that way. But in modern life, that wiring can trap people in cycles of chronic resentment, outrage, definitely cynicism. Bottom line, it's just emotional exhaustion. It takes so much energy to hate. It takes so much energy to resent. I know people who have just deselected or deselected people out of their life because the emotional struggle of maintaining that relationship is ruining their life. And they've just, nope, under these circumstances, sorry, go have to take a break. And they're so much happier. That takes a lot of discipline, that takes a lot of courage as well. Because long-term misery, it's dangerous. It is very dangerous. If you focus on misery long enough, eventually you are a miserable person. And it comes from your focus. Once misery becomes your identity, you don't understand peace. And I see people do this all the time and they don't even realize it. They think they're positive. And they'll say something positive and then follow it up with a little tagline. Yeah, he's a really nice guy. Yeah, but his wife's a crack whore and cheats on him all the time, and he deserves a lot better. We weren't talking about her. That's a nice truck. Yeah, my brother had one of those trucks, and my goodness, he didn't take care of it before long. It just ran it in the ground, and now it's just sitting on the back on blocks. Yeah. Can we just say that was a nice truck? But misery becomes the identity to where they don't even realize. And peace is just unfamiliar. And some people, they survive battles, and they never emotionally leave the battleground. We talked about this. You won. You have won. You survived. You're still here. Just want to hold on to that. And they keep walking the battlefield long after the war is over. Yep. Still replaying betrayals, replaying, just counting the wounds, reliving maybe their own failures, still searching the smoke for enemies that left years ago. You're the only one thinking about it. And you made it. Yeah. Just imagine winning the war, but instead of rebuilding and celebrating and healing and moving forward, you spend the rest of your life walking through that battlefield looking at broken weapons, burned ground, and maybe even the graves. That's what long-term misery and bitterness does to your life. It's going to affect you at home, work, and play. It traps people. You're an emotional fossil. And at that point you stop living and in the present and you become just a caretaker of pain. You're the historian of pain. I know, I promise I'm going to get better in a second. But that's why this is so important to be able to control what you focus on. Because you can miss the victory because you became addicted to damage. Some people finally get that relationship, that freedom, that job, that sense of peace. Maybe it's an opportunity. Maybe it's a new community, a new house, something, ah, that fresh start. But they're so conditioned to look for danger, they can't enjoy it. And they end up sabotaging it. And they don't even realize it. They don't realize the battle's over. You won. But internally, they never put their armor down. Okay, Dave. You're so uplifting. I feel better. Thank you for that encouraging O talk. Let me tell you, I'm here to tell you, there is a new day. There's a light, there's a bridge to the other side. There's kryptonite to hate and misery. And that kryptonite and the word for the day is gratitude. You cannot be deeply grateful and deeply miserable at the same time. Can't do it. Not truly. One emotion will suffocate the other. Gratitude shifts from what's missing to what remains. Instead of focusing on, I wish I could have had that, or I should have been able to have done that, or oh, if this is that here's what we have. Here's what we got. And that's important because when you focus on what you have, the bitterness and the misery goes to the here and now. And there's some solid reasons why gratitude defeats misery if you choose it. It's because gratitude redirects your attention. The mind notices what it repeatedly searches for. You're going to find it. You're going to find it. Negative? You want to find crooked pictures? You'll find crooked pictures. You want to find something good? Go to a grocery store when you're hungry. Everything looks good. Now your bill is going to cause some regret later. Go to a restaurant when you're hungry, which is what you should do. But everything on the menu looks good. And you got some stuff you're not going to eat, but you don't focus on that, do you? Oh, that looks good. That looks good. You don't eat this? I'm not going to pick out all the stuff that doesn't look good. I'm hungry. That's gratitude. It will focus where you aim it. Gratitude interrupts emotional spirals. It does. You can't be grateful and miserable at the same time. So if you start to go down that emotional spiral, you're not grateful anymore. Think of something you're grateful for. It can be some horrible things have happened, but I focus on the lesson I learned from them and it reverses that emotional spiral. Yes. That was that nugget of gold in that big old pile of stuff. It interrupts that emotional spiral. Doesn't let you go there.

unknown 24:38

Gratitude.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

It also restores your perspective. Most people already possess things they once prayed for. And if you don't want to go religion, hoped for, wanted. You've got some of the things you wanted. You got some of the things you prayed for. Some of the things you prayed for and didn't get, thank goodness you didn't get it. You've got the blessing. You've got the reward. Be grateful for it. I'm so glad I didn't get a lot of the things I wanted. I'm so glad I got some stuff I did not want. I didn't understand. I never would have taken it for myself, but it was given to me against my will, and I'm so grateful. Gratitude also weakens comparison. Comparison is, oh, it's of the devil. It ends obsession with someone else's life. Because, because if you're grateful for something, it means you've got it. You've got it. I got a new car. It's not fancy, but I love it. And then I saw somebody ride down the road the other day and they got a new car. And whoo-hoo! Very nice. I was I didn't compare mine to them because my goodness, they're in a different place in their life. They need that a lot worse than I need that. And I'm getting 36 miles to the gallon. Giddy up. So gratitude weakens comparison. If you've ever driven a beater, which I did, I remember the first car that I could count on turning over when I turned the key. It's fantastic. Now it's just a I'm grateful for that. I take it for granted, but hey, you get a car that won't start. When it starts, you'll be grateful. And then great gratitude creates peace. Not because their life is perfect, but because perspective improves. Here's what I've got. I'm so grateful for this. Could it be better? Maybe. Could it be worse? Absolutely. That gives me some peace. So gratitude is kryptonite to misery. You choose gratitude. Takes a minute sometimes. When the throes of everything some days is at least this, that's a shaky start, but it is a start toward gratitude. And I know what some of you are thinking, and I hear this and I see your emails. Gratitude is not denial. It's not just looking away from your problems. No, it's choosing not to be letting darkness narrate your existence. No. Yeah, there's some tough stuff out here. I'm going to focus and I'll deal with it. But for a minute, I need to focus on what I've got. And the misery is not quite as bad. And then the more I focus on the gratitude, the less the misery. They cannot coexist. But still, we have those temptations for hate and misery. Now, to me, they're intertwined because they're both choices. We can debate that some other time. But there what is it about hate that makes it feel better? Ugh. I don't know. I don't like it. So let's talk about some ways to battle that temptation for hate or misery. One way is quit rehearsing it. Quit practicing it. Quit practicing how I'm gonna one up them. Quit practicing how I'm gonna I'm gonna verbally annihilate them in front of everybody. Now you can work on triggers. When they say this, I'll say this. But the goal shouldn't be to destroy. But we rehearse that, don't we? We replay creative ways to get them, that'd get them. Oh, I say that, oh, that's good. Because you're not clear. You're emotional right now. And that's not being very grateful. But that's why we do it. But this is how you resist that temptation. Quit rehearsing offenses. Use that time for something else. Also, separate people from moments. A bad moment is not necessarily a bad person. Yeah, that hurt. Yeah, that stung. That was tough. I would not want to be judged when I'm not at my best. I sure wouldn't want to be judged when I'm at my worst. But people who want to hate, that's what they do. They're going to pick that highlight reel and pick the lowlights out of that. And that's how they'll define you. And it makes them feel better. Don't do it yourself. Separate people from the moments. Also, limiting exposure is very underrated. You limit your exposure to someone who can tempt you into hating or thinking miserable thoughts, boundaries will protect your peace there. And you'll become less bitter. Because you're not around the bitter. Although bitter makes some things better. That's not what we're talking about here. Limit that exposure so that you don't create that avalanche of hate or misery. Also, there's a lot to be said for just, we said it's a bad moment, it doesn't mean they're a bad person. So seek understanding. Get to know. I'm not saying make excuses for them, but okay, something may have happened just before that. There may be something going on with them that's caused them to be this way, or maybe there's something going on with you that caused you to perceive it a certain way. So pain often creates painful behavior on your part and on my part. And so that could be part of it. And then lastly, just to resist the temptation to hate or seek misery, remember your own failures. How about that? Humility will weaken hatred. Whew. Don't ruminate on it. Don't dig it, but just realize, okay, yeah, I did some pretty dumb stuff too. I remember when I was young, I did some dumb stuff. Yeah. I remember yesterday I did some dumb stuff. But then you want to resist hate and misery. Also, let's go to the other side. You don't want to just love and embrace without boundaries or with blinders on. That's gonna that's gonna hurt you and lead to probably some misery. So, how do we avoid love without boundaries there? It's important to listen. Listen to wise warnings. You've got to have people you trust. This is that inner circle I talk about. Not everybody's criticizing your situation because they're against you. Some may have been through it before. So it was very similar. And they wouldn't be a friend if they didn't say, You may want to watch that. No, you're not gonna want to see it. Because you're in love, you like it, you want it, you want some more of it, you want those golf clubs. Yeah, so listen to wise warnings. I didn't say follow them, just listen. Also, watch patterns over promises. Words are easy, but behavior tells the truth. Yeah, it's easy to say I love you. It's easy. Oh my goodness. My goodness. I've preached on this a lot. It's easy. It's a little tougher to show it. Yeah. People won't say I hate you, usually, but they'll show you. And people will tell you the truth about themselves by their actions. Believe them. That can help. Also, that emotional momentum. Uh I tried to be very careful with this because I'm uh I'm very optimistic. I think we can do anything. Oh, this is a fantastic company. Oh, what a great person. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. Time is the best. We'll show you the reality. But slow that emotion. Don't be unemotional. Don't be negative. Stay excited and enthusiastic. But maybe slow it a little if things are going too fast just to make sure. Trust but verify. And also ask the hard questions early on. Hard questions. Focus in on that. And we could talk to hard questions to ask, but it really depends on the situation. But clarity now saves pain later. That's key. And then the last thing I'll say on this is don't confuse attraction with compatibility. And I'm talking people, jobs, restaurants. Yeah. Chemistry can blind wisdom. It sure can. Yeah. And that's so then that's dangerous as well. So there's a there's a balance here. There's a balance to finding peace. I love to love. I hate to hate. Wow, this is really writing itself, isn't it? However, there's a good medium in between. Keep those emotions for being over the top or under the bottom. There's a balance there that you can still have peace and joy. So let's talk about a few ways to achieve that. First thing is accept that all people are a little mixed. The hero to you is a villain to somebody else, and vice versa. Yeah, you're gonna find people that you really like, and then their best friend, you're not gonna like them. So all people, they got a mixture going on. It's a cashier rollout here. There's a balance there. Okay, maybe if you I like this guy, and if you like him, there must be something good there. Yeah. So take a minute. Everybody's not all hero or all villain. Then stay grateful without becoming naive. And that's a tough one. Wisdom and optimism, they can be there at the same time. Huh? Look for proof. But be realistic. And notice how hard it is to find sometimes. But you can stay grateful without being naive. That's a way to find balance and peace. Protect your peace without isolating yourself. I talk about boundaries, that's important. But don't build that fence and you be the only one inside. Boundaries are healthy. Fences keep stuff in and keep stuff out. But don't build that fence without getting in there. Or you're going to have a great place that you're not existing in. Focus on progress instead of perfection. We've said this many times. Just better. Let's just get better. I might not love as much, but I don't have a lot of hate in my heart. Yeah, I still have a lot of hate, but I found some love. All right. I'm less miserable. Okay, that's a positive. There's not a real, not over the top. I don't think you should do some motivational speaking if your tagline is, hey, I'm less miserable. My life sucks less. Yeah, we may want to tweak that a little bit. But focus on progress, not perfection. Perfection is will create nothing but just disappointment and depression. And then I say it again. Learn to enjoy the victory. Not every season is a war. You can have battles, but you're not in a war all the time. Some people have to have that, have to have the angst. No. Enjoy the victory. So life gets lighter when you stop forcing everything into extremes. Love, hate, love, hate. Not everything is wonderful. Not everything is terrible. Not everybody deserves worship, but then again, not everybody deserves hatred and demonizing. Most of life is somewhere in the middle. That's why gratitude is so important. And peace comes when you learn to hold gratitude and realism in the same hand. It can be done with practice. Absolutely. Yeah, life, life wounds people. And betrayal happens, abandonment happens, and disappointment is real. But if you spend your entire life walking the battlefield, you'll miss the beauty of surviving it. The war may have shaped you, but it does not have to define you. At some point, you have to put the armor down, lift your head, and walk toward the peace because it's there. It is found in gratitude. Because the quality of your life will always be connected to the quality of your focus. So are you a lover or a hater? You decide. The answer is based on your focus. So you decide. I hope this helps. I know some people are really struggling, and I have struggled myself. However, it's a good reminder to where you will live the life that you focus on. And I hope it's a a life of growing optimism and not misery. All right. Hit me up, David at Otalks.com, David Otalks.com, or just go to the site and tell you how to get a hold of me. Let me know what you think. It started negative, but the answers are inside you. Don't blame your mama or your dad. Start now. Focus on the life you want to live. All right. Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for hanging on, but most of all, thanks for O talking with Dave. Giddy up.