FRIENDLY FIRE

Have you ever had someone close to you betray you?  Yeah, me too...

The worst part of getting stabbed in the back is turning around and seeing who was holding the knife.

Join Dave for some incoming talk about:

• The 5 Primary Causes of Friendly Fire
• 5 Ways to Prevent/Reduce Friendly Fire
• 5 Ways to Accept and Adjust
• 5 Ways to Insulate Yourself - Without Going Cold

Yes, there are sharks in the water. But that’s where the life is too.

You don’t avoid the ocean because it’s dangerous. You learn how to swim stronger, see clearer, and choose better. So when it happens, and it will, take the lesson, adjust your circle, tighten your awareness, but don’t lose your belief.

Because the goal isn’t to live untouched. The goal is to live fully, with the right people close enough to matter.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin with Dave. Coming to you from his fortress in Sin City. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Hey, how y'all doing? I hope you're great. I am top shelf and ready to go. Ready to go today. A tough topic, I'll admit it right up front. A little bit tough topic, but I'm I'm hearing it's necessary to talk about. And I fucking feel it too. The term friendly fire. I first heard that. It was an episode of MASH. I learned a lot of my wartime. Thankfully, I learned my wartime jargon from MASH instead of experiencing it through relatives or personally. But I remember in one episode, they were just getting hammered with incoming shells and explosions. And then they found out, wait a minute, this is friendly fire. Radar got on the radio, and it's no, that's us. That's our own people. Which I later learned is just part of war. It's internal collateral damage. You hear about someone getting fragged by their own troops, meaning they killed their own person for some reason. But that friendly fire, and I looked up some statistics and I don't even want to share them about in wartime how many of our own people are killed by our own fire. And I'm not judging, I'm not, that's not part of what I'm talking about. But the term friendly fire, it's when devastating things happen from a source that is in your own circle. Which takes me to real life, away from the military. I've always heard this thing, the saying, the worst part of getting stabbed in the back is turning around and see who's holding the knife. The best part is when you realize you're still standing, then you get to choose who stands with you next. But that's the painful thing. We'll talk through it. Just being up front, it happens to everybody. Just get it out of the way. It happens to everybody in some ways. Sometimes it hurts worse than others. But you're gonna get hit with it, with friendly fire. And friendly fire means it's not strangers, it's not by loud enemies that you can spot from a mile away. It's by people you trust or have trusted. And I'm not being cynical or skeptical or whatever the right word is here. It's just life in close quarters that happens. It does. But here's where most people get it wrong. They take one hit and decide all right, the whole ocean is poison. It's all bad. All people are bad. I'm never trusting anybody again. They forget that the same waters that have the sharks also have the only thing worth swimming toward. Connection and loyalty, real friendship, real love. It's a worthy endeavor. And they're out there, and the sharks are circling, and a lot of times you can't see them, and you get close to them. So this is not about regret and resentment and want to be the karma fairy. You hope they get theirs. How could they do this to you? I hate them. I want them to die.

unknown 3:44

No.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

It's about becoming aware and selective, and most of all becoming strong. Because without people and all these things we talked about earlier, the loyalty and the love and the true friendship and that depth of heartfelt relationships, you lose your belief in people. And there's sharks out there, but they're not all dangerous. But it hurts. It hurts so bad. Luckily, I haven't experienced it much. I've had little nips here and there. I've had it at homework and play. And sometimes when you look back, ah, I could, ah, I should have seen that coming. Or that makes more sense. Those don't hurt as badly. It's the one you never saw. And I can think about a couple at work that eh, it wasn't so much what they did as what they didn't do. And then one big one personally that came out of Nover. And so that's why we're going to talk about it. Because you either have had it happen to you in a significant way, or someone who has. And hopefully, you haven't been the one holding the knife, but even if you were, hopefully there's something in this that can give some clarity in some way. So why does it hurt so bad? It's pretty obvious, I think. But a couple of things really to dig in on. First of all, the hurt, it hurts because it matters. You don't lose sleep over strangers, worrying about strangers and their well-being and how are they doing. Do they like me? You don't even know these people. And you don't replay conversations with people you don't care about. You don't do it. That's why it hurts so bad. You don't feel betrayed unless trust existed in the first place. And then boom, that sting. It's proof that you're still alive emotionally. You're not just callous. You can't be hurt. I talk a lot about you can't hurt me if I don't care about your opinion. The thing is, you can if I do. And if I've let you in. And the more I've let you in, the more it hurts. Research shows that betrayal hits harder than any conflict. Any conflict. And then the flip side of that is the same wiring that makes betrayal hurt. It's the same one that makes loyalty feel incredible. Someone that proves their loyalty. Someone that defends you when you're not in the room. Someone that speaks well of you. You hear them do it, and they don't even know you're listening. The thing is, you don't get one without the other. The pain and the pleasure, you don't get one without the other. I've got an old talk coming up that I'm really proud of. It talks about bitter makes it better. Bitter alone is bad. Friendly fire alone is bad. But it's that loyalty that makes it worth it. You feel deeply both ways. Just to talk more about the shark-infested waters, it's one of the it's one of the analogies I chose to use. Let's just not sugarcoat it. There are sharks in life. Some of them are obvious, and some not quite as obvious. Some of the sharks, it it comes from people's insecurity, can turn them into a shark. Definitely selfish, self-serving, uh, with without empathy. Yeah, that's definitely prone to make someone a shark. People who lash out when they're under pressure, some people just don't handle pressure well and they'll lash out. And it's significant. And then people who just aren't as aware as you'd hope they'd be. You have those people, I just thought you knew better. I thought you would understand that what that would do to me. And yeah, sometimes those people are close to you. But the difference between people who thrive and people who shrink when they come under friendly fire is thrivers don't deny the sharks. They don't not get in the water because of sharks. They learn how to swim anyway. They do. They learn how to deal with the sharks. And that's the, I think that's probably the goal of this OTAC. Learn how to deal with it. They're out there. But don't not get in the water because of them. Learn how to swim anyway. So friendly fires, some of the causes, and I've talked about the people and why they do it, but understanding this will give you an edge. I believe. It'll give you an edge. Miscommunication causes it a lot of times. I gotta these I'm scratching, not picking my nose, by the way. But that miscommunication, most damage, it's not intentional. It's misunderstood. Maybe you inadvertently did something that annoyed somebody or put them under pressure or things that that happened that I said earlier, and it's a misunderstanding. So they react to that. Maybe they just didn't they weren't communicating, they weren't listening, or you weren't communicating well, and the misunderstanding led to friendly fire. A lot of times it's unspoken expectations. We hold people accountable to rules that we really never explained. Ah, I've been a part of a lot of situations where in order to learn the rules, you have to break them. Sometimes breaking the rules can come across as friendly fire, especially if that broken rule impacts you negatively. And a lot of it is just pure jealousy and insecurity. Your growth can trigger someone else's doubt in themselves. And they want to bring you down a notch to equal them. I know that happened with a particular company. Me and another guy were climbing equally. It was fantastic. We were having a great time and we had fun doing it. I found out later we made a lot of enemies, not because of what we did to them, but because of our success. And then when my buddy kept going, I stopped at a certain level, he went another level up and became, my goodness, VP of sales for the whole country. I couldn't be happier. And other people were upset. How did he do that? They tried to turn me against him. What are you kidding me? And then they said, Oh, I guess you'll get anything you want now. Why? Because your buddy's at the top. No, that's not the way it went. And they didn't understand it. Because they were jealous and insecure. They didn't get that. I don't understand it in that scenario. I've been jealous. I've been insecure, of course. But then that causes people to want to bring you down a notch. And the sad thing is, it's some of the closest people to you that will do that. Then other times it's just a spillover from stress. They're stressed out. They get hit by something that they're so stressed, and then they come at you with something that has nothing to do with you. Stress does things to people, stress and worry. It drives people to do things that they wouldn't do otherwise. And then the last one, sometimes it's just self-preservation. They're under pressure, and some people protect themselves first. Hey, it's me or you, and it's not going to be me. I don't have to outrun the bear. I just got to outrun you. Instead of banding together and fighting the bear or killing the shark. Nah, it can eat you. I got to save myself. But see, none of this excuses the behavior. I'm trying to explain why people do stuff. And there's a bunch of other reasons why they could, and combinations. No excuse for it. But it does explain it a little bit. And knowing that will give you the power. What's the source of this? Why are you reacting this way? Why did you do this in the first place? All these questions, but sometimes we're just so hurt. We're paralyzed by what happened. And not what happened, who did it? Yeah. So there's some truths you can use. You don't get stabbed in the back by someone that's far away. They're not like, what is it? Who was it? Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett, I forget. He had the series and they would throw the tomahawk. Yeah, no. You get stabbed by somebody close. They have to be close. So the goal isn't to avoid closeness. Oh no. You would be, oh, that's a terrible reaction. The goal is to be intentional about who gets close. Specific. Picky. Choosy. Pick your word. Because see, when you do that's not fear, that's wisdom. Now the reaction to being stabbed in the back is never thought it was them. Oh, now who can I trust? If I can't trust them, who can I trust? I can't trust anybody. Now I've gone through a diminishing on a graph, or it could go this way, it's going down of people that I trust. I used to trust just about everybody. And I got burned a few times. Now I don't trust, it's different levels. I'll trust some people with more, very few people with all of it. Just out of self-prevent preservation in some way, but I still love deeply. I have several circles of friends that oh, it is so good. It's so good. And I those that stab me in the back now, they're at such a distance, it's not that big of a deal. But let's be real, we've all done it. Too. I know, I feel it. I feel eyes rolling. I heard a couple of clicks. People closing this thing. No. Before we build a list of who's wronged us, we've all had a moment. Let's be honest. There's been times we've said too much or not enough. And some feelings were hurt. Maybe some people close. I remember saying something one time, and I inadvertently hurt my mom's feelings. So in a way, I guess I don't know if it's a full stab in the back, but poking the ribs for sure. Didn't mean it that way. In context, but it still came across. My problem with my challenges is not from not talking enough, it's from talking too much. Or maybe we didn't stand up for somebody. We didn't say enough at the right time. That's a form of stabbing somebody in the back. It's friendly fire anyway. Or maybe we were distracted. We weren't at our best. And somebody close paid for that distraction. Maybe you could have helped them. Maybe you could have spoken up. Maybe you could have assisted in something personally, manually, physically, I don't know. But you were distracted. And they paid it. They paid for it. That may be seen as friendly fire. Yeah. Or maybe we chose convenience over courage. Yeah, it's easier just to, I'll just lay back. I don't want to get in the middle of that. Yeah, maybe you've got two friends that are having a problem and you could go in and help that situation, but oh, I don't want to get involved. Yeah, maybe you should. Maybe you're the only one. I remember say hearing it over and over with my parents. Certain things, people couldn't say certain things to my mom. And of course, there were certain things with my dad that they wait till I come to town to take care of it. Oh, okay. I'll be the bad guy, but sometimes it's not the bad guy. It's showing up and doing what's necessary. And not doing that is a form of friendly fire. When we don't show up in the way we could. I am horrible. I apologize to my friends all the time. I don't keep in touch like they do. About the third text I get over time, I'm thinking, what is wrong with me? That can be seen as friendly fire. I went back to the cul-de-sac here a couple of weeks ago, and I had been back in months. They were so glad to see me. And I was so glad to see them, and we're all glad to see each other. And it was such a group hug moment. However, me not keeping in touch, is that a form of friendly fire? Some could see it that way. Yeah, you may not have meant to hurt anyone, but you've been part of someone else's story. And the realization of that, it doesn't weaken you. It sharpens you and makes you more aware. I just think it's important before we point, we understand, okay, to some degree we've done the same thing. Hopefully it wasn't malicious. And there's some things you need to do if it was. But friendly fire now is a little different. It's easier. We'll call it modern friendly fire. Here's what that looks like today. When the workplace, you have tension all the time, and we disguise that tension as professionalism. Just being professional. That's tension, is good. Some workplaces thrive on it. Yeah. A lot of that bodes well for friendly fire. Family roles that never evolve. Oh my goodness, because I said so, you still have the Sanhedrin of the I don't know if the family reunions or reunions are that common anymore. However, I remember certain people had a role. Certain family factions. They would talk about different things, about whose kids are not well behaved, and they would talk about the lineage of that and how their mom and dad were when they were young, and blah, blah, blah. And oh, yeah, they didn't raise them right. That's friendly fire. That's old. That's not modern friendly fire. However, look at social media. That blows everything up. Everything is out there for everybody to see. Thousands of friends who have thousands of friends who have thousands of friends. Also, there's a lot in all of this where it's silence instead of honesty. Oh, I don't want to speak up. I don't want to do this. Your silence may be the friendly fire that hurts somebody. And then comparisons that we mask as support, comparing situations, comparing people. That's a two-edged sword. Because comparisons are tough. To say I have a voice like Tom Petty is not a good comparison. He does have a great voice. No, he's got a famous voice and wrote some great songs, but he is not a crooner. And me singing Southern Rock and Tom Petty's voice, that's not good. So those comparisons, they can be cutting. Unintentionally cutting or intentionally. So here's the thing. There's a lot of old wounds that never got cleaned. They didn't ever scar over either. They're still fresh.

unknown 19:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

It's people being people. That's gonna rub people the wrong way. And I get it. They're not monsters. They're just operating. They're going through life, saying things. A lot of people say, Well, come to their mind. They have a clean conscience because they've said it all. That hurts some people. So there's some things we can do. You can't eliminate friendly fire because you can't determine what hurts people. Some people are easily hurt, some people are tough as rocks, but still, even the toughest animal has a soft underbelly. One thing you can't eliminate friendly fire, but you can lead better. Okay, here you are. I can. I for sure can. Communicate early and clearly is one way. Clarity is kindness. What I mean. If I've got tough news, that's the way I start the conversation. I never told my kids the medicine tastes good. Oh, you're gonna hate this. It's awful, but it'll make you feel better. So communication is the answer to so many things. It should just be a given. If this was geometry, communication's the given. But clarity, taking the time to be clear what you mean by what you say is a form of kindness. Do that and expect that. If you're if you don't have clarity when someone else says, ask questions, gain clarity. And then make expectations mutual. It's not one way. Don't assume everybody wants what you want at the time you want it for as long as you want it. Make that expectation mutual. Here's what we're doing here. Handle the small things before they get big and grow teeth and bite you in the butt. Don't stockpile frustration. This is the problem. The first two will help take. Care of the third one if you're communicating early and clearly and managing expectations, these things aren't going to get way out of hand because the clarity will take care of that. But so many people you heard this people, they feel hurt, and then all of a sudden they'll start something, start a conversation to clarify, and then they someone will bring up something 25 years ago. I think young ladies, I think their mothers take them aside when they start getting serious about marriage or dating and teach them how to remember the details from 50 years ago, even if they're only 20 or 30. They stockpile frustration. And oh, here come here comes the friendly fire. Also, slow down your reactions. I've said this so the pause. Yeah. Don't react, respond. Because speed, I I do this. I'm a counterpuncher, and if you am I'm not at my best and you hit me with an insult or a comment or something, whew. When I'm not at my best, I will come back. I will come back quickly, and I have hurt people doing that, and I'm not people can say I was just kidding. Friendly fire is all already happening. There's casualties there. There's deep wounds. Instead of just remaining calm, when you reply quickly, there are casualties. And then the last one is be intentional with your tone and the timing. But delivery matters as much as the content. Have you ever heard the it's not what you said, it's how you said it. That's it. How you said it is the friendly fire. It is the dagger. That look that cuts right through you. Ah. Landed. You sunk my battleship.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

Whew!

SPEAKER_01 24:00

So remember those things. Really, the toughest thing, and one thing I have learned, I say I've learned, when I remember it and practice it well, it really helps. Ways to accept friendly fire and adjust. Because sometimes it's still going to happen. Even though you've got a handle on things, it's still going to happen. So how do you accept it and then adjust? First thing is don't let one moment define that person. They're having a bad day. You don't know what happened to them immediately before. Patterns matter more than just incidences. If you think that wasn't like them, I can't believe they just said that. Okay, listen to yourself. That isn't like them. Something else is going on here. I just happen to be in front of the muzzle. So don't let that one moment define that person. Oh, I would hate it if I was defined by my worst moments. Also, separate their intent from the impact. Both mattered, but they're not the same. Later they could say, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to do it. Here's what happened, blah, blah, blah. Okay, it still hurt. The impact was still there. But the intent was different. Or it was a moment in time. So separate the intent from the impact, because the impact was definitely there. Learn what this reveals about them. Okay. They're moody. Okay. They may be a bad person. Okay. Don't mess with them when this is going on. But also, what does it reveal about you? How do you take it? How is it? Did you how do you define that person now? Are you separating intent and impact? How are you gonna recover? Can you recover? Have you already recovered? You learn a lot about them, as well as yourself. That's part of it. That helps you take it and deal with it. Forgive without removing this discernment or separating it, understanding it. If you can move forward, even though that happened, without go um don't go backwards, that that is a sign that you're in a good spot. That hurts so bad. I'll find out all the details later. I'm hurting right now, but I'll get over it. I'm gonna move on. I care about this person. Maybe it's so bad you don't and you deselect, but maybe it's okay. That's not like them. Something else is going on. I'm gonna take a minute. I'm not gonna respond. I'm gonna see, I'm gonna let all the chips fall. And either I'll I'm gonna move forward, maybe not with them. I'm definitely learned a little bit here, but it's not gonna hold me back. This friendly fire, okay. I made it through it. I'm going forward, not backward. That's a great way to adjust after it's happened. And then lastly, a lot of times, whether it's you get punched in the face or stabbed in the back or rocked by friendly fire, it knocks you off course. It knocks you down. So the thing to take it, take the impact and adjust accordingly is keep your footing. All right. I remember the first time I felt an earthquake. Whoo! Man, it shook me up. Ten years later, I was doing a talk, and an earthquake came, and it actually I lost my balance a little bit, but I adjusted my footing and never lost a word, never didn't even interrupt my sentence. That's the way it is. Don't let someone else's misstep knock you off course. No, I've still got it. And I like to think of it as someone else's misstep. Maybe they meant to do it. Maybe it was calculated. Maybe they've been working at this for a long time. Okay. All right. I'm still on course. I'm still not the karma police. I don't have to get them back. I'm going to be okay. Here's my course. Let's go. I'll deal with them in some way, but it's not going to compromise my intentions. Yeah. Now I know, I know it's going to happen. I know it has happened, and it probably will happen. But what is some way? A lot of people just, I said earlier, I'll never love again. I'll never trust anybody again. Whatever it is, the extreme, I'll call it going cold. How can you insulate yourself as much as possible from friendly fire without going cold and just becoming a hermit on some deserted island? This is where balance lives. And we talk about balance and so many things, balance and boundaries and expectations. And that's what we're going to talk about now. How do you insulate yourself? You have to set clear boundaries. Not walls, but just boundaries, lines that matter, that are specific, that are clear. They matter. That's going to keep some of the friendly fire out. Be selective with access. That's what the boundaries are. Okay. But most boundaries you can step over, or you can allow people in, or there's a little gate or a door, maybe a hatch. I don't know. Tunnel. Not everyone earns a front row seat for your show, for your life, for your feelings. Be selective. That's why I've talked about the tight circle so many times. Build a strong internal core. Confidence reduces the depth of the wound when you're talking about friendly fire. Yeah. All right. I'm strong. I'm confident in myself. I'm dedicated. I'm loyal. All these things. I know where I'm going. I know my goals. I know my boundaries. So when I am attacked, huh? Yeah, they wounded me, but it didn't go deep. It's merely a flesh wound. That strong internal core, that'll get you there. Hey, it's not my first rodeo. They talk about boxers and football players, they need impact, and the body actually reacts to impact with a toughened outer core. It's stronger. And it develops that out of sheer battle. This is the same way. You build that strong internal core so that when they attack you in some way, you can withstand it. Yeah. With people, though, you've got to pay attention to patterns in order to insulate yourself. Believe what people consistently show you. I recently did the great feedback on the old talk barking ducks, whereas ducks gonna quack. People will show you who they are. And what I mean by that is if they're talking about everybody else, if they're gossiping, if they're complaining about other people, oh what makes you think they're not complaining about you? Believe that when they show you who they are. And they will watch these patterns of behavior. Because sooner or later it's going to be your turn. And then finally, keep your circle intentional, absolutely intentional, no accidents here. Quality over proximity, quality over quantity. Be happy with one or two in your circle until someone else fits that role with high scrutiny. It's important. Because those are the people that you're going to have to go to when someone in an outer circle puts some friendly fire on you. So set the boundaries, be selective of what they access, build a strong cord. When you're attacked, you can withstand it. Pay attention to patterns and then keep that circle intentional. No guests in the trunk. This is not a drive-in. So I want to shift it a little bit. Because you've got to guard optimism. The mindset that wins is not naive, it's not cynical. You don't want to become that person. That's callous. Guarded optimism is what we need. You believe in people, but you pay attention. Trust, but verify. You stay open, but not exposed. You give trust, but you let it grow. You let it grow. You don't just assume it's full blown. You don't walk around expecting betrayal. Nobody does. But you're not surprised when human nature shows up either. That's important. Guarded optimism. Be optimistic. There's reason to be optimistic. Strong reason. That's where the reward is. And that's gonna, you're gonna be pleasantly surprised and rewarded for your loyalty and your optimism and your courage and your kindness far more than you're gonna come under friendly fire. But you know our minds are wired. So yeah, there are sharks in the water. But that's where the life is. Life is in the water. And you gotta live. If you don't, that's a tragedy. That's where the relationships are, that's where the growth is. That's where moments that actually matter happen. So you don't avoid the water because it's dangerous. You learn how to swim stronger. You learn how to see clearer. You go on the masks with the anti-fog lenses clearer. And you learn to choose better. So when it happens, and it will, you're gonna get nipped. When you turn around and see who is holding the knife, hmm. Take the lesson, adjust accordingly, adjust your circle. But don't lose your belief, just tighten your awareness. Because the goal isn't to live untouched, the goal is to live fully with the right people close enough to matter. When you get that part right, you're not just surviving the water, you're owning it. And it is glorious. Tough topic. Hurts, hurts real bad. But there's some ways to survive and thrive. And you can do it. You can do it. Alright, I think that's enough. It's heavy. It's heavy, but it's real. And hopefully this helps. Let me know. Hit me up, davidotalks.com or david at o talks.com. Or just go to the website otalks.com. There's tons of stuff there. Let me know what you think. Let me know what you think. I appreciate you so much. Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for hanging on. But most of all, thanks for O Talking with Dave. Giddy up.