The LIFECYCLE Of FRIENDSHIP

Does someone in particular pop in your head when you hear the word FRIEND?  Yeah, me too...

Let’s start with a little truth that might sting. We’ve cheapened the word friend.

You shared a ride once? Friend. 
 You follow each other online? Friend.
 You had a good conversation at a conference? “That’s my guy.”

No it’s not. That’s convenience with a memory.

Join Dave for some FRIENDLY talk about:

• Three Levels of Friendship
• Friend vs. Acquaintance (Let’s Get Real)
• What Is a True Friend? 
• 5 Characteristics of a True Friend
• How Friendships Are Tested
• 5 Not-So-Obvious Reasons You Need True Friends
• 5 Ways to Insure, Secure, and Deepen a Friendship
• 5 Daily Affirmations & Actions

You will meet a lot of people. Some will pass through. Some will stay for a while.

A very small few will become part of who you are.

Just a simple, unspoken understanding:

“There you are.”

And that right there...is one of the rarest and most valuable things you’ll ever have.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his palatial fortress in Sin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hey, how are we doing out there? I hope you're great. Anything else would be unacceptable. I'm gonna get a little nostalgic with this one. I have been around, I don't know, the last couple of weeks. I have reconnected and over the phone and face to face and just been in conversation, talking about friends and some of my closest friends from the past. I've reconnected with them and then goodness, this last weekend, just overwhelmed with laughter and talking about the good old days, which are not gone. They're still here. But I just thought about friendship and what that means to me. And then I got to thinking about different people. Social media is good for one thing, it's good for catching up with friends or sparking memories. I look back at I don't I try not to look at the comments on some of my posts, especially on TikTok and YouTube. However, sometimes I do, but people I haven't talked to in years would like, oh wow, it was great to see this, blah, blah, blah, whatever. It's very encouraging. But it made me start thinking. And then when I think, that's a dangerous thing sometimes. But I got to thinking, and this might sting a little, but I think we have cheapened the word friend. What does friend really mean? You shared a ride with somebody once and you met them. It's not a friend necessarily. It may be the start of a friendship. You follow each other on Facebook or online or something. Doesn't necessarily mean you're a friend. Or you had a good conversation at a conference. Yeah, it's my buddy. It's my guy. It's my friend. Nah, nah, not really. It's almost like I love you. I've said this so many times. I don't say it with great repetition because I want it to have some oomph. I don't tell the Uber guy when I drops me off, hey, thanks for the ride. Love ya. I don't do that. I love deeply. But I also love my friends. And so I don't like it when that word is just thrown over thrown around because it's special. It's very special. Really, these other kinds, it's just a hey, it's a coincidental meeting with a memory, and then it's gone. Real friendship is something else entirely. It's got depth, it's got weight. And I think, and this is why the name of this O talk is the life cycle of a friendship. I believe friendship has a life cycle. If it doesn't have a life cycle, then is it really a friend? So let's talk about it. I think there are three levels, or I'm going to talk about three levels. There's probably a lot more than that. But the first level I'll talk about is short-term friends. Short-term. We'll call them seasonal friends. They're in your life for a season. They're people that show up for a stretch of your life. Maybe it's a coworker who helped you survive a tough job. You went through battles together. Couldn't have been a short term, could have been a little bit longer, but yeah. They were there for you. Maybe it's a neighbor that you clicked with. The coworker, I'll deal with these individually. There's a bunch of coworkers. There's certain people at each job I've had or each project I've done that meant so much to me. And then they were started as seasonal, but they lasted much longer. Much longer. But some of them, it's just they're a gift. They're the present. They're a they're uh we'll call it a blessing for that time. That that neighbor you clicked with, I know I had several of those. When I was in the cul-de-sac in Solana Beach, we were truly friends. But there's certain ones that I didn't spend that much time with, but we clicked. We clicked. I think of Gordy who lived next door, one of the most interesting men in the world, an ex-professional hockey player, he was uh an artist, did all kinds of work in his garage while he watched or listened to hockey. He knew something about everything darts and construction and goodness out of nowhere. He starts roasting coffee and all of this stuff. So I consider Gordy my friend, but I think if you combined in 10 years all the time that we spent together, it's probably about a couple of hours, three or four hours at tops. But I consider it's because he was there for a while. I could always go over to Gordy and start up a conversation. Means a lot. I was there, I was in that house for 10 years, so some of those are more than just seasonals, but maybe it's just somebody you knew that made a hard time a little lighter. And I have a bunch of those. A bunch of those. It just fit. That's what I'm talking about with seasonal friendship. Most friendships don't survive major life transitions, moves, career shifts, family changes. They just they naturally filter people in and out. Many people. I know when I've left, when I've left companies before, after my projects were over, let's keep in touch. Come on, let's keep in touch. Or neighbors, past neighbors. I'll call, I'll come visit. We're gonna miss you. All of this stuff, major life transitions, and slowly you fade away. You grow apart. Those people who are good at keeping up, and I've got some I've got some friends, I tell them, shame on me. Shame on me. You keep up a lot better than I do because you get busy. It doesn't mean they're any less important, but kudos are those who can keep in touch. But usually just life naturally filters some people out. So why do these seasonal friends, why do they matter? It's because they meet that immediate need. They hit life when life happens to you, and there they are. They bring energy when you need it most. They often teach you something that you can carry forward. When we were in Chattanooga, we had some seasonal friends. And I can I have total recall on Chattanooga. It was like early 2000s. We were there for four or five years. But these people weren't meant to last forever. They were meant to matter right then. Thank God for my seasonal friends. And I love to think about this because I can think to each project, each place we lived, and we were six or seven places we lived. Just absolutely so lucky to have these friends. And it may be if you've got a hangout, maybe you didn't see them in your. I got tons of Kinos friends where I used to hang out at Kinos, and they were there. We had a good time. That's the only place I saw them. However, they served a purpose, and I'm thankful for them. So let's talk the set about the second group. These will be the midterm friends. Where the first one were seasonals. We're going to call these the builders. The builders. These are the ones who stick around long enough to become part of your routine. And by that I mean that friend who's been there through multiple life phases. These people are consistent with the reconnection. You just seem to reconnect from time to time. There is a variance in these and the third, and I'll get into the third one in a minute, but just something about that connection is just too strong to wither away. Maybe you don't talk to them as often, maybe you don't communicate in the same ways, but you're still connected. These ones, they know you. They know your tendencies, not just your highlight reel. They hang out when you're not at your best, and it's okay. They're still going to hang out. They're going to be in touch. They're going to care. They have a sense about you. They'll see something on the news or something about music or sports, and they'll think of you, and they're probably going to reach out or at least text you. Because they know you. They'll see something and think, yeah, boy, I bet Dave is losing his mind over this. Little poke and prod. They're like that, they're like that well-worn jacket. It's probably just about worn out. And you wear it every year, and it's just so comfortable. Oh, you don't even remember when it was new. It's not flashy, but it fits just right. Or a good pair of shoes. It's that you don't have to, you don't have to warm up, you don't have to go through any pleasantries. You're just back with these builders. And they matter. The reason they matter is because they provide stability when everything else is changing. You change jobs, you change locations, you change relationships. Hey, they were there through it. And they help shape and support whatever direction you're going in. They give you that advice. They tell you your baby's ugly, or your pants are unzipped, or you got a booger in your nose. They're that comfortable with you. And they create a the history together. You go through enough battles, it builds trust. These friendships, they are built because it's a choice. Some of the seasonals, you're pushed together. These, they're built. That's why we call them builders. They're not stumbled into a key chunk of friends. And when I think of these, I'll go ahead and do the third one because I don't want to overlap any, but I'll name some names. But the third one, they're lifelong friends. They're anchors. So you got seasonals, builders, and anchors. The anchors, we're talking about something very rare. These are people that who don't just know you, they understand you. They get you. Warts and awe. You know, the friend who knew you before all the titles and responsibilities before you were somebody. When you were just a skinny little boy with a bold haircut and beat up beat up knees. These are the people that were there. The ones who they you don't have to recap. You just start from where you left off. And you don't have to explain anything. Sometimes you don't even have to talk. When you first meet, it's just a hug. I love that. It's a person you can call out and they'll they'll actually listen. You can call them out on their BS and they'll listen. But they're gonna do it to you too. But here's the thing, here's the part of the anchors that most people overlook. These are friendships that can go months, even years without a word. Without a word. And when you reconnect, there's no awkwardness. There's no incubation or reset period, no catching up like strangers. You pick up mid-sentence, like you just paused the conversation yesterday. Randy Sanders is a buddy of mine, and we worked together. We worked together and then we were friends back 20. Oh my goodness, almost 30 years ago. And we became friends at work, and we started doing stuff afterward. I found out he married a girl I went to school with. Me and my wife and kids would go out and have dinner with them. They would come over to the house. We'd do projects. He would fix mug. We were buddies. And then we moved. 2001, we moved to Chattanooga. I didn't see or talk to Randy for almost 24 years. And his son reached out and said, Hey, dad's trying to get in touch with you. Our numbers had changed and all that. I called him, and first thing he did, he said, Well, I'll be. Because he heard my voice. He didn't have my number. He heard my voice. And he met me at my dad's, and we spent some time together. And it was just that. Hugged each other, immediately started hacking on each other. I can't believe you hadn't reached out to me in 24 years. You hadn't reached out to me either. Blah, blah, blah. Back and forth, all that. And then it was just so good to catch up. And you can't necessarily pick and choose these people. They're just in your life. I could name a bunch. I could name a bunch. And before that, I hadn't seen them in years. One by one, it came by, and it was just that way. Lifelong friends. We're a little, we're a little older, and our hair either turned gray or turned loose. But man, it's so good. People with even more, even one or two deep long-term friendships consistently report higher emotional resilience and life satisfaction. And those with large circles, they just don't match up. Now, I move around a lot. Keeping in touch with people is not easy for me. That's why I'm glad other people are better at it. If you still live in a hometown with all the people that are your deep friends, okay, you're going to have a bigger circle. You're going to be in touch with more people. Here's the sad thing. A lot of times someone has to pass away, or there needs to, or there's a life change to really let you know what you mean to people. Or let you know what other people mean to you. It's um this is a positive O talk, but that is sad. That's why it's important that we know who our friends are, not just acquaintances. Acquaintances is there's a big difference. An acquaintance, they know what you do, they see you occasionally, and it's easy to interact with them. Maybe you met them somewhere. Maybe somebody introduced you at a party and you see them out, and it's just you and them, and it's hey, I know people would come to the garage and they would ask other people to the garage, and then those other people would come without the people they ask. Then before long, we've got four degrees of separation coming in. They started as acquaintances, but they became seasonal friends. However, there's a big difference in an acquaintance and a seasonal friend. My goodness, the person I bought my coffee for several f from for several years. We knew each other's name and we said hey, and if I was late, they would say something about it. And if they looked like they weren't having a good day or they was too busy, or what there was some banter back and forth. That was an acquaintance. A friend, they know who you are. And they feel it when something's off. A friend will show up when it's not easy. Yeah. The test is when you when can you call when things fall apart? Who can you call when things fall apart? Not when things are going well. That's your answer on friend or acquaintance. I'm getting a little bit emotional because I wanted to save my friends from Sad Dave there for a little bit last year. And it backfired on me. They were upset when they found out. Why didn't you call? Why didn't you tell? Who can you call? I could have called any one of them. And I didn't. And that upset them. And I am sorry. Because I know my friends from my acquaintances. I love it when it evolves and they go from an acquaintance to a seasonal. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. And I have a bit of a hard line right now. My some of my closest friends are on the cusp of between a seasonal and an anchor. Because I was in I was in Solana Beach, and you've got for 10 years, and you've got those people that started as seasonal. And the ones I saw this weekend. My goodness, Steve and Steve's Lady Liz and Christina and Darma and Greg and Nil and Miranda. Oh, and I got to see, I got to see, oh, so many others. I don't Nick and Dominica. Yeah. So I I love those people. And they are my true friends, and I'm leaving some out. Catherine was there too. I love Catherine. But we've all been through some tough times together, yet we can get together, and it's like we never separated. So those are seasonal friends that to me now they're anchors, every one of them. I count on them. I can call on them for anything. Yeah, verbal abuse included. But it was it's great getting back together with that. So let's just talk about friend. What is a true friend? Just the real definition that we may not necessarily apply, but it helps me discern what a true friend is from friendly or acquaintances. A true friend is someone who has nothing to gain but stays with you anyway. They're a giver. They tell you the truth without trying to win, even if it hurts you and them. Because so many times people try to win. They try to be a savior, they try to be uplifting when what they need to be is truthful. That's a true friend. They can go silent for a long time and you still feel close. Some of that, I as I get older, I can take silence a little better. Not in a group, I gotta fill the void there, but I can sit alone in a room with a friend for a while, just enjoy being with them. Enjoy being with them. But a friend doesn't require constant validation to stay connected. They don't. It's there, it's already there. And they know your story without needing the highlight reel. My friend Liz, Liz Hilma, she's I don't usually say full names, but I've got several friends named Liz. She is a great example of someone that I don't have to see very often. We'll text. She'll see something. It could be food, it could be something at a bar, it could be music or just something crazy. She'll take a picture and send it to me or come up with a snide comment or a situation, and I'll do the same to her. When I see things, I think of her. I think of her. And that's we, when we redo reconnect, my goodness, some of my friends, I've had sets of friends. I was doing a show on my birthday, oddly enough. I got up in the morning in Louisville, Kentucky and flew all the way to California, had a show that night, and it was my birthday, and I appreciate all the people that helped. But my other sets of friends, Dana was there. Liz was there. Liz Hillman's the one I'm talking about. Surprised me. I was shocked because it was a long way from where she She lived. She Ubered all the way out there. And then I could think of the other people in that area. And then here comes my boy, Will and Cece. And they were family can be friends too. Will is my buddy, and Cece is she will soon be part of the family, but she is so special. But I could look around that bar and okay, all right, we've got acquaintances. I see these people all the time. There's some seasonals here. Oh, look at the builders. And then you've got anchors. It's so important. It's so important. They know your story without having to see the highlight reel. They're part of the highlight reel. They already know it. It's not, and this is not a casual thing, these type of friends. It's earned. It's earned. They've got the sweat and the tear equity in there. So what I'd like for you to do, and I'm not going to, if we were in a real conference environment, I would have had you write down, okay, who are your seasonals? Now that we've gone through all three, the seasonals, the builders, and the anchors, think about it. Who are your seasonals? Who were your seasonals? Think about different places you've lived. Hopefully you thought about this as we went along. But okay, who are your new seasonals? Who are there for you? Maybe not haven't been in your life that long, but now, oh, they're showing up. They're showing up a little more. That's that right person, right time. Maybe you're gonna. I went through some stuff in the last few months and I was around people for about three months. Okay, perfect seasonals. They were there. We were there for each other. Then think about your builders. Yeah, you can go a while without seeing them. It's those people who really know you. They do. They were there. Ups and downs. You they could finish your sentence after a while, and then you got the anchors. Your lifelong friends that you've told stories about these people to the seasonals and the builders. I remember when when my mom died, I had told John Boston's was my best friend since goodness, since we could walk until we got our licenses and then we separated. We were together every day. And all the stories I told, you old talkers, you know him. Igor John Boston, you know who he is. Everybody that knows me knows the John Boston story. But my kids had never met him. My wife had met him at the time, that's long ago, but my kids had never met him. But I was in there doing the normal Southern funeral stuff, and they hadn't opened the doors for all the people to come out. And my daughter Victoria walks out and she sees this guy standing over by himself looking at a picture or something. And she walks up to him, she said, You have to be John Boston. And that it's crazy. That just that made my day because I had talked about this guy so much and all the stories, that's gotta be him. That's what she was thinking, and it was. And so your lifelong friends, you talk about those to all the other friends, and that's so important. I can think of no better compliment. I'm pretty sure some of the seasonals and maybe even some of the builders. My name comes up in either couples counseling or on a couch somewhere. Yeah, maybe not where you want to come up, but still, it's so important. And so look, I want to go over some of the character characteristics of true friends. Consistency over convenience. They don't just show up when it's easy, they show up no matter what. Honesty without an agenda. I tell you the truth. Not what keeps things comfortable, not eggshells. Hey, let's kick this door in because we gotta get through it. I'll help you. Loyalty, that's the biggest thing for me. Absence or presence, they're loyal. When you get betrayed by a friend, I don't think anything hurts worse. Thankfully, it's only happened really once. Whether you talk daily or yearly, they're still there. They're loyal. You can call on them and they'll show up. Emotional intelligence gets thrown around a lot. It's a buzzword, it's a book, it's a mini-series, whatever you want to call it. But they have that. They know when you're going through a tough time. They know when to push, they know when to listen. And then when just to sit there. Just to sit in silence. So much can be said by a true friend with a hand on the shoulder or a hug, kiss on the forehead. Male or female. I've got it probably many more female friends than males, and I am affectionate. I don't care who sees it. And then the last one is just mutual respect. They don't compete with your progress, they support it. They're just as excited when you win as when they win. Whatever you're excited about excites them. Your kid does what? They're thrilled. Your kid has a tough time. It's as if it was theirs. It's so important. But friendships are tested. They are tested. When everything's going smooth and hunky-dory and nostalgic, yeah. But it gets real sometimes. Sometimes time and distance can creep in. And there is that I had friends when I was going through a time and didn't answer emails or texts very quick. They gave up on me. Some of them did. They're still my friends. It's not their fault. But it was a test. And we stood the test of that time. Life's priorities shift. I remember I was the first of my friends to have a kid. I think we were the first to get married, but then we were the first to have a child. So when we got married, we were the only ones that were married, and all our friends were single. All right. Then they got married. I was in all their weddings. Good Lord. So many weddings. Okay. Now they're married. Great. We had a kid. They don't have kids. And so that creates some tests there. My buddy Billy would want to do stuff. I can't. I gotta be at home with the kid. Yeah. That's a test. And we passed. Yay. But then sometimes there's just a disagreement or some disappointments or misunderstandings. A true friend is gonna, you're worth fighting through it with or for. But sometimes that's a test that breaks it apart. It bothers me when I hear about I haven't had a falling out that I can think of. I may have. But those that have had a falling out and they're just not friends, they can't stand each other more. You don't say their name, you don't do any of that stuff, you don't even mention them, or they just go crazy. True friends stand the test of time with that. Weak friendships fade away in silence or ghosting or abandonment or just lack of contact. But strong ones can survive all of that. They can survive it all. I love it. Without my friends, I would be afraid to even think about it. If time apart breaks it, it wasn't anchored. If time apart proves it, now you got something rare. You got something rare. But there's some some not so obvious reasons. You need true friends. If you don't have many, you don't need many, but you do need some. Because they ground you when life speeds up. They see patterns in you that you miss. They do. And they challenge you without threatening you. Okay, coming from them, there are some people that are the only people that can tell you this. And a lot of times your other friends know who it is. We need to get so-and-so. They can say this. And then they give you space to be real, not impressive. You can be emotional, you can not be yourself, you can be vulnerable. They'll give you that space when you're not at your strongest. And then they reconnect. They reconnect with you, and then they reconnect you to yourself when you drift. That's why those are some of the things that aren't as obvious, but when you reflect, I think about some people that I've seen not too long ago, and when I think about them, I think about specific instances, things they said, or things they did that they may not even remember, but it meant the world to me. So the thing is, you have these, and there's some ways to ensure and secure and deepen a friendship. And I think these are important, and I'm going to vow to do them more. Don't let pride delay reaching out. Don't let anything delay reaching out. It's not about who called last. Sometimes you don't call for so long, you're embarrassed to call. Don't be have too much pride to do that. Don't worry about being polished. Depth beats image every time. It's quality, not quantity, a wise man said. Stay interested in their life. Not just what you've got going on. Social media, again, that's a good thing about it. You can, you don't, a lot of people don't remember the last time you talked, but I see you all the time. Yes, because it's on social media. You laughed at something I said or you liked it. It's just a touch. It doesn't replace a phone call. But you making the time, because we're not, remember, we're not talking about a lot of people. Making the time, even when your life is full. Protect that relationship from any unnecessary damage. Loyalty is taking up for somebody when they're not in the room. Standing up for somebody when something is suggested or maybe thrown out there. Absolutely not. I remember, I'll tell this one. I was and I told her, so it's no big deal to let the cat out of the bag. I remember I was at Kinos one time, and one of the there was a guy I did not know and heard some banter. Someone said something derogatory about my friend Liz. And I said, Who are you talking about? And he told me, and it was about her. And I said, You do not talk negative about her. She is my friend. So if you're going to keep that up, one of us has got to leave. And he apologized and didn't do it anymore. And so you can't stand for it. Protect that relationship from unnecessary damage. So there's some daily things. Daily, you can call them affirmations or action items or whatever. But a couple of things. A text is so easy, a text or a call. Just I value the people who truly know me. Who are they? Just take a minute. And it can, it doesn't have to be an inclusive, all inclusive list. Who's on your mind right now? In the morning's a great time to do this. Who am I thinking about? Who's important to me right now? And text them just thinking about you. Or just send them. If you can't type, send an emoji. Can you can you thumb a smiley face? For God's sake. Or then think. I don't want to confuse busyness with importance. So I'm going to take I'm going to take time every day and do something. Take time out for my friends, my true friends. You don't have to hit the same ones every day, but you it doesn't take so long. And you're not so important that you can't take a minute out and do that. These people are important. Look at your list. Who are the seasonals? Who are the builders? Who are the anchors? And then think of those people. Who is sh this is improper English, but you're used to that for me. Who showed up when it counted? Who has done that for me? Even when it wasn't convenient. Don't think of the people you showed up for. Now you're talking about them. Who said what needed to be said? That was tough on you. I remember that. And I just want you to know you were right, or I appreciated that, or I needed to hear that. Thank you. And then just around protecting meaningful relationships. The distance. Note the distance and break the silence. This is one that I have failed many times because I've I've moved everywhere. And I let distance get in the way when the only distance between my friend my me and my true friends is the distance between me and my phone. It's not far. It's always right there. So you will meet a lot of people. We meet a lot of people. Some will just pass through, some will stay for a while, and in very small few will become part of who you are. And here's how you know the difference. Acquaintances need access to be acquaintances. Friends need a connection to be a friend. Two friends don't need true friends don't need either. They already have it. Who are your true friends? They can disappear into their life for months, even years, and when they come back, there's no restart button. Just a simple unspoken understanding. There you are. There you are. And that right there is one of the rarest and most valuable things you will ever have. Cherish it. Not a lot of cutting up on this one. I am serious. Let me know what you think. Who are your friends? True friends. Let me know. Hit me up. David at OTalks.com or David OTalks.com or just go to the website o talks.com. There's a bunch of stuff on there. Tells you how to get a hold of me if you want to. But I appreciate you. I appreciate you and I hope you appreciate your true friends. Write their names down. All right. Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for holding on. Thanks for O talking with Dave. Giddy up. All right.