GIVERS and TAKERS

Have you ever known someone who is always TAKING and never GIVING anything back to a relationship?  Yeah, me too...

Givers are the people who show up early, stay late, help someone move, listen to your problems, bring soup when you’re sick, and ask how your day went and actually mean it.

Takers are the people who call when they need something.
 Disappear when you need something.
 And somehow still believe the world owes them more.

Join Dave for some GIVE and TAKE about:

• 5 Characteristics of Givers
• How Givers Make the World Better
• 5 Negative Things That Happen to Givers
• 5 Characteristics of Takers
• How Takers Disrupt Balance
• 5 Negative Things That Happen to Takers
• 5 Ways a Person Can Be Both

Life becomes something far better than a competition for who can take the most.

It becomes a place where people ask a better question:

“What can I give, and how can we all win?”

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his palatial fortress in Sin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Hey, how you doing out there? I hope you're great. I am top shelf and living the dream. I am excited. I've got, I feel like I'm on top of things right now. I'm getting so much done. I've had such a productive day. I would tell you about it, but eh, it would be boring. So let's just jump into this. I'm I like being very specific as far as productivity goes, but right now I'm going to be general. Not a general. I'm going to be general. I'm going to separate the human race into two kinds of people givers and takers. There's a pattern that you start noticing if you watch people long enough. And with this, I'm talking about people who you deal with, home, work, and play, not somebody you just casually meet, although there are indicators there. But that pattern, when you watch people and experience interaction, it's not in a textbook. It's not it's not a formal personality test here. No. But you see it everywhere. There are givers and there are takers. Now, as we go through this, you're gonna you may classify yourself as one or the other right now. Yeah. And that's okay. But people are gonna come to your mind. You are yeah, oh boy, they're a giver. Oh, wait a minute. No, they're a taker. And then hopefully by the end, we can we can separate those two, learn how to deal with them, and then some of them are both. That's not that bad, but that's very rare. So we're talking about generally now givers and takers. Givers are people who will show up early and stay late. They'll help you move. They'll take you to the airport, they'll listen to your problems, they'll bring you soup when you're sick. They'll ask, how was your day? But really mean it and ask get for an answer. They don't just ask you a question so they can hurry up and tell you their take on it. To help somebody move, that's a big deal. That's a big deal. And some people charge more than a lava lamp for that. Nah, I am a giver in that regard. I'd rather not take you to the airport. I throw you in an Uber. That's a giver. So those are givers. Now, takers, on the other hand, takers are people who call eh when they need something. They'll stop by when they need something. And they disappear when you need something. Yeah. Somehow, they still believe the world owes them more. Whether they've made a deposit themselves or not, the world just owes them. It's an entitlement thing. It drives me crazy. I don't understand it. I'm not wired that way. But to be fair, none of us are perfectly in one column or the other. We fluctuate back and forth, but usually our personality and our actions migrate to one of the other. And that direction shapes your relationships or your opportunities and even the kind of life you build. But that has a lot to do with it over time, especially. The thing is, I have moved, I counted it the other day, what did I seven times in my adult life. Seven times. And made seven groups of friends. I've talked in a countless number of venues. So I've been I've been associated with some people on an ongoing basis through my speaking, but also I've worked for, I don't know, three, four companies, one of them 20 years. Strong long-term relationships, and you see it. After a while, you see it. Givers and takers. Interestingly enough, though, we're gonna get organizational psychology research is from places like Wharton or Stanford or some of these highbrow educational institutions of higher learning. They talk about how people fall into three broad behavioral types givers, takers, and matchers. How about that? You could be a matcher. I'm not gonna go down this too far. The matchers are that would be, okay, if you're around givers, you're a giver. If you're around takers, you're a taker. And then some just go opposite. If somebody's giving, you'll take it. Somebody's taken, you'll give it. So those are matchers. But one large workplace study said 25% consistently behaved as givers, and 20 behaved primarily as takers. And the majority was somewhere in the middle. So somewhere in the middle, it's probably where I am. Probably leaning toward the giver side. But as we go through this, think about yourself. But also try not to only think about people that pop in your mind. But the thing is, the influence of those groups is very different. How to influence them back and forth and affect them. Very interesting. So, givers, we'll just go down to some characteristics. We'll start with the good. The angel on one shoulder. They have common traits. Empathy is probably one of the biggest ones they put themselves in someone else's shoes. I'm going to give this because that's what I would want. And they think about that. Somebody's sick, you know what? I'm going to go take them something. Or I'm going to call and check on them. Or I'm going to offer blah. Because they're empathetic. And that's good. Empathy is one of the best things, one of the best characteristics of good humans. The second one would be generosity with their time or their effort. They'll go out of their way to help somebody. I remember when I was a strapping young lad ready to hop on the corporate ladder. I remember those people who helped me out rather than just let me get stomped underfoot. A lot of the things I quote of people that told me that was early on. They took the time. They were very generous with their time. And it was it's a lot of work. When you know a lot and somebody knows nothing, you got to get them here before they can go there. But that's a giver. And it's not just at work. I know it's goodness in the neighborhood I grew up. Some of those older people, they had a lot of time on their hands. However, they put up with me. They did. I guess they couldn't run in the house quick enough, so I'd trap them on their front porch and here we go. And answer all Dennis, David the Menace's questions. But people that are generous with their time or their efforts, those are givers. Also, get this they listen more than they talk. A lot of times, it's just because it goes back to empathy and time and effort, but also they want to understand. They want to understand what's going on before they respond. Because they want to help. They want to help. That's why. They're givers. Then they celebrate other people's success. You can find your friends real quick when something good happens to you. If you win the lottery, everybody will celebrate your success until they don't get some of it. What is that? I got a stick song just popped into my mind. I got I got plenty of friends and the fun never ends as long as I'm buying. Yeah. That's been true too. But they celebrate it. You have good news, they're happy. They're happy for it, genuinely happy. I love it. Someone else's winning does not threaten them. Also, they will look for ways to contribute or to help or to enhance. Instead of, what do I get out of this? They ask, what can I add? What can I do? Let's celebrate. I love a good party. Anybody has good news. Let's go. I'm not a I'm not a taker in that way. I love it. Hey, I get to party too, so I guess I'm taking and giving. Yeah. But see, these people, the givers, they make the world work. They make it a better place to be. They have deeper relationships, and it's great. I said it, a coworker that helps somebody that's struggling. If somebody's down, somebody can sense that. They'll make that extra call. You okay? Wanna talk? You want to get a cup of coffee? Want to go get a piece of pie? I'll buy the pie. Or I remember, wow, my dad, he had knee surgery back when I was, I don't know, 18, 17. I was young. I was a I was very uh capable, but it rained. It rained one day, and we had a gravel driveway, as you've heard me talk about. When I moved out, they paved the driveway and got central heat in air. And went out to eat every now and then. Huh. But anyway, I remember one day I was at school and it was raining, and I was thinking, oh my goodness, I've got to go get the driveway because it would wash gullies in our gravel driveway, and I would have to go around the circle and shovel it in the cart and take it around. I remember dad used to always say, Go get the driveway, son. I came home from school prepared, but our neighbor saw that, knew dad was recovering from knee surgery, and he took care of the driveway. How about that? It's fantastic. We don't live in the snow, we lived in the gravel. But I was like, I don't know if he did it for dad or he did it for me, but man, I sure do appreciate that. But without givers, everything can collapse into just transactional stuff. Just try yeah, okay, we did that, okay. Because it's expected. It's a transaction. You give me this, I give you that. Givers give unconditionally. A lot of givers are paying back for somebody that gave to them, not because they have to, just returning the favor. Givers make the world work better. And just let's just think about it. What kind of givers are in most people's life? I'd say almost everybody's life. First of all, teachers. There's some teachers who do just do it. Some teachers are better than others. We'll just say that. Mentors who I can think back at so many, and I guess some people, I was that to them. I'm not as gracious with my time as the mentors were with me. I'm not. I have less of it to give. That's no excuse. Friends, friends are givers. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my friends. Yeah, especially the tighter circle, the first two or three layers, I guess. And those, they're not takers. Now, you do have teachers, mentors, and friends and family members that are takers. But for the most part, we experience our first givers in those. My mom was a giver. My goodness. More food went out of the house than stayed in. She was constantly going out helping with it's usually associated with the church, but making meals, doing bereavement things, all sorts of mission type stuff. She was great at it. I never heard her complain. And she did it, of course, for no pay, and the money was out of her pocket. We didn't have a lot of money. But that taught me early on. Okay, that's just what you do. That's just what you do. Studies in social psychology consistently show that a pro-social behavior, helping others, improves the group, group cooperation. It increases trust and even raises overall productivity with teams. A team that has someone come in, and I've been on several teams where maybe a sponsor or someone high in the organization would just come and drop by and check on it. How are things going? What progress are you guys making? And it was in a way that wasn't looking over your shoulder or being demonstrative about results. And when they would roll up their sleeves and get in there with us and talk about it and get engaged, wow, not only did that increase our energy, it made us more productive. A lot of it is because it's that helping others mentality. And there was a Harvard study that shown it was a strong cooperative behavior. If you have that and it's basically just teamwork where everybody is participating, it ups your success rate by 35%. Versus those that you have one or two do all the work or you have somebody trying to do it themselves. If you have a cooperative team where everybody contributes, boom, 35% increase? That's fantastic. But why is this? Because people help each other succeed. And when you do it together, just think of the two sides of that coin. It's said in a lot of weddings, but if you have two people working on something and they experience victory, it's doubled. And then if they experience defeat, it's cut in half because you share it. But that's all part of it when you're a giver. Now let's jump to those nasty takers. Let me take a sip of water. This is smart water. False advertising, by the way. It does not work. They're not a sponsor, but they could be. That would be ironic. Smart water, a sponsor for talking with Dave. Whew! Ironic, don't you think? So let's talk about the negative things that happen to givers before we jump to the takers. So it's not just all blue skies and rainbows for givers. Generosity has a downside. They get taken advantage of quite a bit. Some people see their kindness as weakness. I remember one time we went to a I shouldn't tell this, but I'm not going to tell the names. But I was young and I went with mom to take groceries to this family that was in need. And so we took the groceries in, I put them on the counter, and we, you know, did our cordial things. And and she said, Is there anything else we can do for you guys? And I remember the man said, Yeah, you can. Over there, those books in the corner, they're just a pile of books. He said, Can you get me a bookshelf? And my mom was just taking it back a little bit. And you're you can't put food on the table and you would like a shelf for your books. But she said, I'll see what I can do. I think we may have some at the church, and I can maybe in one of the rooms we're not using it. And as we left, I said I I didn't notice the whole thing, but she was she was taking it as drive. And I said, Didn't you think that was odd? She said, Yeah, some people are takers, and but did you see his wife, how happy she was. And so she said, That's why I do it. The people that appreciate it. But you do get taken advantage of sometimes if you are a giver in business, in negotiations, with your time. Takers are gonna, we're gonna talk about them, but they will take all you'll give, and sometimes they take advantage of you. But that's on them. That's on them. And a lot of times, another thing, the way that some givers they lose is they say yes too much. They do. They say yes so much and they're overcommitted. And whose time are they taking away from? Yeah, you can say their family or their friends or whatever. It's their own time because that will be the first thing they cut out. Because they're givers at work and at home, for sure. And then many times they burn out. The constant giving drains your energy, it can drain your resources, and when those two come together, burnout is a factor. And then a lot of times too, if you're if you do something for people and you're consistent with that, it becomes expected. So that contribution and your generosity, it's overlooked, it's not even noticed anymore. Because that's just what you do. I think of some of my friends that after a while, you do expect a certain behavior, you do expect a certain trinket or somebody to drop something by the garage. Yeah. And when, you know, a lot of times it's just expected, so you don't notice it. I guess in that regard, I might have been a taker, but I was grateful. Also, we talk about boundaries a lot on this talk, and they have trouble with that. Givers struggle with boundaries just like they overcommit themselves. They do. And they feel guilty going back to saying yes too much. They feel guilty when they say no. Even though they've given to the nth degree. Yeah. There's a lot of fascinating studies when you look at the different social groups in the workplace. Some of the least successful people are givers. Isn't that crazy? Because of that boundary issue. They'll be late for their deadline because they help somebody else meet their deadline. And it's it's weird. But there's a twist there too. Some of the most successful people are also givers who learn to protect their time and energy. So see, it's it's across the board. That's why it's important to temper your giving, not give with a temper, but temper your giving. So let's talk about those takers. Oh, they drive me crazy. Takers are very different. They prioritize, of course, themselves first. Very little empathy, if at all. Most of the time, their empathy pulls into play when they are more concerned what they get in return. So they'll do something, they'll give, but there's something expected. But they also don't have empathy for another person's struggles. It's all about them. It's all about what they're going through. I can remember times when people have just opened up to me, and I appreciate it. I never take that lightly. And man, I was going through it. I was having a tough time. But it's it was worth it to me. I wouldn't trade my problems with anybody. But they didn't do I did these this particular person I'm thinking about, they never did it maliciously. They needed to be given to more than I did. But a lot of times these takers, they don't care. They don't care about other people's struggles. It's all about them. And then they have to have credit and recognition. Notice the giver, the takers, they either have to be the best or the worst. They either have to have done the best job or been taken advantage of. Their situation either had to be better than yours or so much worse than yours, depending on what makes them feel better.

unknown 20:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Anybody coming to mind on these yet? Just curious. I have seven. Also, they'll manipulate a situation. They'll manipulate a story. They'll lie. But also, if they tell the truth, they'll they'll hedge it a certain way to l to trend it in their and their advantage for their advantage. And then when it's time to show up, nope, nope, can't find them. They've always got an excuse. When you reach out to them, they have an excuse. Oh, I've got this. Oh, I would. But yeah. Exactly. I know. So those aren't surprises. Takers see life, it's like a competition. If someone else wins, then they must have lost. It's not that way. It doesn't have to be that way. Takers they grab, they push, they claim, they maneuver. Takers are like uh, I don't know, a mom on Black Friday used to be. Remember when you show up early and they're out, they're fighting for these things. Or it could be like a man, a married man with kids on Christmas Eve trying to do all of his shopping. Oh man. It's a war zone. It's roller derby out there. But hey, sometimes they even succeed. I know some takers that are, man, when are they gonna get theirs? When is this when's payback? It's never me. It's not my job. I got one coming up on that. Yeah. For who the bell tolls, the grim reaper. Don't be that way. They only succeed for a while. They leave something broken behind them. And I'm not talking about people. They can hurt your feelings. They can they may break your heart. I don't know. But they broke something in a relationship that's it's eventually gonna come back to haunt them. And they they disrupt balance. Takers damage trust, even if you go along with it. And you know who this taker is. You don't trust them though. You can predict them, but you don't trust them. Because the relationship's one-sided. Even if you've got a taker and a giver, you go around in circles because the taker's always taken, because the giver's always given. But you become guarded and it's one-sided. And over time, it's when that giver gets worn out, burn up the all their time, that's when it's going to get ugly. Because they stop helping. And when you stop helping a taker, you're the bad guy. Yep. The environmental, the environment of that situation, it becomes so so transactional. And it's not cooperative. So remember when we talked about the studies about a cooperative group, they're 35% more productive. Okay. Just think about the other side of that. When you've got a taker in the group, or maybe it's just a one-on-one situation where somebody is always making about them and they're taking and taking. Unproductive and that transactional situation will not last. There could be a falling out, or there also just could be a stop. You stop it. It's hard though, because remember, givers always they like to say yes. It makes them feel guilty to say no. Is that hitting any of you? You hate to say no, especially to this person. That one person may be the biggest taker in your life. In economics, it's called the tragedy of the commons. The tragedy of the commons. If everyone takes and no one gives, the whole system collapses. Then when those that still give, they have to support the whole thing. The worst thing you can do is be a giver with a friend, with a circle of takers. Man, that's like a piranhas ganawing at you. So there are some negative things that happen to takers, though. There are. Even when takers get what they want, the long-term outcome, man, it's not great. It's not great because of why they're takers. But people stop trusting them. They don't like to be around them. Their relationships are shallow because remember, it's transactional. It's not deep at all. And their reputations eventually catch up with them. And then it also isolates them. They become lonely. They got nobody to reach out to. And they miss that satisfaction that comes from contributing in some way. And it's a it's really, they have, they built a fence around themselves, and the only gate is their handout. After a while, when nothing is going on, that fence closes in on them. And ironically, some takers, they don't even notice notice it until it's late in the game. They don't know they've lost. They don't know who they've lost. So I feel sorry for them if they're ignorant to it. The journey is a crazy one, but once they get there, it's tough to fight your way back out. They're so focused on what they want next, they don't realize what disappeared behind them. I believe in looking forward and not looking back, but in this case, there's nothing forward anymore. And when they look back, there's nothing there. So it's an ugly. It is an ugly situation. It's an ugly situation. However, there is a life in the middle, which is most people. A healthy person is a generous giver with strong boundaries. Someone who helps everybody else, who respects their own time and energy, someone who contributes but also knows when to say not today. So when you say not today, I said earlier that takers, something always comes up when there's a responsibility. That doesn't mean they're a taker. That's what they do, but sometimes a healthy giver will set that boundary. And it's great to be both. Let me give you some scenarios. Like helping someone while still protecting your schedule. I've got a pocket of time tomorrow. Yeah, I can take you to the airport from 1 to 1.30. If that doesn't work for you, that oh, you can't do it at that time? Okay, you might need to find somebody else then. Or some other means. So you set that. You've helped them. You've held your schedule. You can give to these other people. Protect your schedule. Being generous, but expecting accountability. Yeah, I'll do I'll take you to the airport tomorrow at one, but you know what? I'm gonna need you to do this for me too. Or I need you to be ready at one o'clock. Don't be late. Don't change your flight till later. Don't sleep late. So that's it. Accountability. I'll do this for you, but you gotta be ready. You gotta be ready. No delays. Or supporting others while pursuing your own goal. You want to do that? You know what? I'm gonna. Maybe it's how this giving will help you. I'll mentor you and we'll do all of this. And you know what? I'm gonna get this out of it, and that's cool. And that's hey, our goals are aligned. Or maybe it's I don't know, an accountability situation. You they were can reciprocate. I've been to several situations to where we would, me and another guy, we would meet in the morning, every Friday morning, and just talk about it. He's had going through a tough time. It helped me too because he had an expertise I could draw from as well, and so we helped each other. So it was a giving, we were givers and takers, and plus we had pancakes. Who knew? I think also it's a good mix when you're listening, you're really paying attention, you're listening deeply, but you also speak up for yourself. I don't have to, it's not 80-20, I got something to say too, and I'll call you on it. If I think you're out of line by what you're saying, in a kind, Christ-like manner, I'll tell you you're nuts. I wouldn't do it that way. But you know what? A good friend and a giver would help somebody if they think they're headed in the wrong direction. I think you're off base there. I think you may be overreacting a little bit here, and here's why. And maybe you can give a personal experience of how you did something else and it worked, or you did that and it didn't. A giver will help. A giver will take by listening and then help out. And it may not always be roses, but it's necessary if you care about that person. And then, of course, giving freely without exploiting somebody. I'll do you this favor, but you'll owe me big. You'll owe me two in response. This is so big. Yeah, that's barter. You're exploiting somebody because they really need you right now. So don't do that because you're set. That's the setting of boundaries. So that balance, when you balance the give and take, and it's important to give, but it's also important sometimes to let someone else give to you. That makes them feel good, and it creates a balance, a cooperation that's more productive. You remain kind in that situation, but you also remain strong, which is critical. It's critical. I think we can be both. I know we can be both. The world absolutely needs givers. There are people, those are the people that are building the trust, they're strengthening relationships, they lift other people up. Gotta have them. But they've got to learn something that's very important. Generosity without boundaries invites takers. So if you're criticizing somebody as a taker, have you set boundaries? When's the last time you told them no? For a good reason. Not just to be ugly. It's important. So sometimes you're to blame. Gotta have balance. So be kind, be generous, be helpful. But you gotta be wise, you gotta have some wisdom in there. Because when people find that balance, when individuals give and contribute and protect their own psyche or energy or whatever you want to call it, respect is present. You've got to have respect. Workplaces become healthier and more productive, and friendships are just deeper. I'm telling you, I have so many people that love me and I love so much. I just had a great weekend where a bunch of us got together, and then I have some acquaintances that they just gush about their friends, and I want to meet these people. They sound like my people. It's great. So once you have something far better than a competition for who can take the most, it becomes a place where people ask the a better question. Not what can I give, but how can we all win? How can we all win? Because if that is the goal, everybody's gonna be given and taken, and everybody is gonna win. So takeaway here, be a giver with boundaries. Don't create a taker, don't make them worse. Spot them and then work with them. That is a type of giving as well. It'll help, it'll help a lot. All right, work on those takers. Say no with boundaries. I hope it helps. Hit me up, david at otalks.com, Davidotalks.com, or just go to OTalks. There's all sorts of shenanigans going on there. Tell you how to get a hold of me and where I'm gonna be. I gotta update my calendar. Sorry. All right, thanks for hanging out. Thanks for hanging on, but most of all, thanks for O Talking with Dave.

SPEAKER_01 33:26

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